From Colorado to Stockholm!

And, thus, a new story begins

2011-08-11T16:01:00.001+02:00

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how I struggle to both start something and finish it. Especially writing. Maybe only writing. But I guess also reading. This little story of ours feels so much like that book that’s beside my bed, a page somewhere near the end turned down, sitting under a pile of papers…the story is written, it’s already been told, and for some reason I continue with my daily life, leaving it there, saving that ending for another day.

And such is the last four years of our lives. It’s already been written. And seemingly bound and placed somewhere out of reach under a pile of papers. It’s its own story, unique and special from what’s to come. I’ve contemplated this for a couple of weeks now, pondered many aspects of beginnings and endings, and have concluded this isn’t just the ending of a chapter; it’s the ending of one story and the beginning of another.

Being in the US for nearly a month was a very cathartic experience. Much like a deep tissue massage, it felt so overdue, so necessary. . . at times so relaxing, then again at some points so deeply tight and strained as to be nearly unbearably painful. There would be moments that felt like that was as much as I could tolerate, then so quickly after came the rewarding feeling of a sense of release.

This is what happens when one is faced with fourteen plus years of possessions, memories and keepsakes, first in the shocking perspective of a semi truck, then piece by piece, box by box, opened lid by opened lid, every single item, individually evaluated, in some feeble attempt to decide what to allocate for the current life, what to save for a future life, and what no longer holds any place in your life all together.

One thing for sure, no other reason would exist to honestly assess your life and personal memories and treasures to such a degree. It was a physical, emotional and spiritual deep cleansing. We reduced what we had by at least half, realizing what is truly worth keeping after living without it or forgetting it even existed as it sat in a storage for three years. I, the admitted organizer and planner, wanted to do something like this for years. This is the epitome of beginning anew, a fresh start.

Of course, this is not just a personal goal met, but a necessity in the demands of the current lifestyle versus our American one. I’m still not really sold on the concept that ‘less is more,’ but this is none the less the path we’ve chosen for now. Yet, one thing that came from this, on top of just generally feeling quite therapeutic, is the feeling that I need to begin new in many areas of my life. Some things I just need to sit aside and admit defeat on. Other things I need to just wrap up and begin new.

And the ‘anew’ begins tomorrow with the first day of a new job, and the keys to a new apartment, which remains a bit of a cliff hanger for us as we’ve only seen the floor plan. This is a time for me to start a new story here, a story of an American woman that actually found a job in Sweden, that has a “home” that we can decorate and paint and make all our own, that has a schedule, and most importantly, finally, my own personal “place” here.

So this is the ‘wrapping up' of a very beloved outlet for me. A place to be able to share our experiences abroad with our family and friends in the US, and as it turned out many other people across the world that I had no expectations of following our lives in Sweden. Yet, as the new story begins to unfold, and as the words turn to pages and then the pages to chapters, I promise a sequel to come.

Packing and moving…again…

2011-06-21T19:43:00.001+02:00

Right now, we are just eight short days away from moving out of the big, luxurious, not-at-all-the-real-world apartment. Nine days from going to the US. Less than two months until the new, much smaller and most definitely real-world apartment. And about ten minutes from me entirely losing my mind.

As wonderful as living abroad has been (is, going to be…), it has definitely come at a cost as well. In less than four years, we have lived in four different apartments in Stockholm, and also back for that six period of time in our home in the US. We’ll live in two more temporary apartments until we move to the permanent one; and if that counts, which I don’t know why it wouldn’t, we essentially move four times just this summer. As if that isn’t enough, we have to move our things from where they are stored in the US to a different storage (which very luckily for us my parents own), and then some of those things will come over to Sweden in yet another container, most will be sold, and the rest will remain in the states until we come back.

So at this moment, I’m not at all regretting or feeling the least bit guilty for the indulgent and relaxed summer I had last summer. While others we know are traveling to exotic places for long vacations, we’ll have the great pleasure of going through crap we didn’t know what else to do with three years ago when we believed we would be back in only a year, and I’m sure wondering why the hell we thought that was worthy of storing. Not to mention the 100 degree SE Colorado temperatures. Or just the logistics of how we transport everything. Of course, it will be fun to discover a lot of our old things, and great to spend time with our families and I am really looking forward to seeing my dog again, but at the same time it’s hard not to dread what is coming.

I think the worst part for me of this contract life is that everything, and I feel like I mean this literally, is out of my control. I’m sure I’ve written about this before. I really want to know what is happening, and how it is happening, but as much as I want to plan (or would have started finalizing plans weeks ago), I’m just at the mercy of waiting for someone to email someone else who is inevitably on vacation. It will be a bit of an adjustment to not live the contract lifestyle, but from another perspective, we’ll finally just be “us” doing things for ourselves how we feel it is best done. I’m looking forward to that part.

And as are a lot of things right now, I really sense a feeling of change. I mean, of course I do. So much is changing. From moving, to “permanent,” to new job, to last year of high school for Meagan…this has gone from a fun little European experience, to our lives. It just feels entirely different already, and I wonder how it will feel when we land at Arlanda at the end of July, coming back, to live here, like really, really live here.

So, I’ve thought a lot about this. I feel like I’m/we’re at a different point than when I began this blog. It’s hard for me to think about interesting little Swedish anecdotes, because over nearly four years, this has just evolved to normalcy. Of course, we travel occasionally and do interesting things outside of Sweden, but I’m finding time is also an issue. This blog was a great source for a sense of self for me. It helped make sense of all of my free time here, and it helped me feel like I had some semblance of a purpose. But so much changed so quickly. Real life actually happened for me here.

So, I have a feeling this blog is reaching its end. This isn’t to say I won’t do another blog. I actually think I will, after some time probably. But, I think I want the next one to be anonymous. There are many things I’ve observed, and to be perfectly honest, they aren’t necessarily about Sweden. But, this isn’t quite over yet. There are still a few things I’ve wanted to say. There are several “I want to blog about this” ideas. So we’ll see how the next few days go, and if I can manage to squeeze in a few posts before the real fun begins.

How quickly things change…

2011-05-25T13:04:00.001+02:00

It’s hard to believe what has happened since the last time I wrote, which yes, has been a long time. But, there’s a good reason for that: I’ve finally been busy! I’ve finally had somewhere to get up for and somewhere to go in the days. I can’t even believe how quickly it happened, but I found a job and began working last Monday.

It’s crazy how it all worked together, and how it now really feels like we did the right thing by deciding to stay. Of course, the flip side is, I’m sure I would have found a job I liked in the US and things would have worked out there just fine too, but at least it doesn’t feel like we did the wrong thing. But, really and truly, this feels right.

It all happened because it snowed one day in the middle of May. Interestingly, I didn’t even mind. Surprisingly I guess. I’ve minded nearly every other snowy day, but for some reason this day was like “ha. ok. again, here we go.” Middle of May after many spring days; it was almost just amusing. But, the short story is, I was planning to go along with Bryan on a business trip; yet, with the snow, I decided I would prefer to just stay home instead of wandering around in the cold while we was in meetings. While killing some time, I wondered, out of curiosity, if there were any job listings that looked interesting on our English online paper. First one—hmmm, a preschool. I looked at the ad, found out it was 10 minutes away from our new apartment. I emailed about it. The next day I had an interview scheduled, a few days later the interview, and less than a week later I was actually working.

And, the best part, I really really like it. I mean, I really like the job itself, and the kids and the people I work with. However, I especially like waking up early, getting ready, picking out what I’ll wear, riding on the subway and just feeling like I’m a part of something. It feels so great to be riding along listening to my iPod with everyone else doing the same thing, all having places to be because they need to be there, instead of just going somewhere for the sake of actually leaving the apartment.

That said, it will take a little to get used to such a schedule. I don’t think I’ve ever been so tired in my life as I was last week when I got home in the evenings. There were a few morning I had to be there by 7:30 and it’s nearly 45 minutes away right now. Not to mention, it’s just been a long time since I’ve had a true schedule; so it’s ultimately really good for me, but will take a while to adjust to it. Also, it’s very physically demanding since this time of the year the kids are outside about 6 hours a day, and I’m just standing and walking around this whole time. But, I’m not complaining about this since the last four years I’ve felt such a lack of physical activity since anything I do to be physical is forced instead of just naturally part of my routine. I much prefer this.

There were two hesitations, or maybe concerns, worries, I don’t know, I had about us staying here: me finding a job and my ability to learn Swedish. First, check. Second, quickly check. Even though this is a bilingual school and my job requires me to speak English with the kids, they primarily do not speak English yet, so I have to understand them in Swedish and occasionally repeat instructions in Swedish. It just feels like such a safe and natural environment to learn a language, with children. It isn’t like a handful of other times where I decided to speak Swedish and just felt humiliated or even as though they were condescending regarding what I said. The kids seem to understand me just fine, even though I’m sure I say some of the most ridiculous things—wrong verb tenses, or turn ett words to en words or whatever. But, it was though I needed to be in a Swedish environment to learn, and even more so, in a beginning Swedish environment. Also, my two co-teachers speak Swedish with me all the time, so even though I tend to respond in English, it has been so encouraging to see how much I actually do understand, and how quickly I will learn even more.

I don’t know. I just feel like I needed this. One, because I just felt like I couldn’t go much longer in the state of just entertaining myself until my family came home, but also just because we’ve had a lot of crap to deal with lately, and I just needed something good. Moving is stressful, but it’s even more insane when there are a few moves over a short period of time, and one being the rest of our thing from the US. Coordinating all of these logistics with our storage, moving here, selling our things, etc, has been very stressful. Then we tried to go to Chernobyl and at the airport, the security man accidentally tore Bryan’s passport making it an “invalid document” so we couldn’t go, which was very disappointing. Yet, on top of this, we had a nightmare situation with letting the owner of our apartment do a staging here for photography to list this apartment for sale. This has been the worst of it all and actually just deserves a post all its own. I was honestly hoping for a little resolution with that, but I can see not that will not happen, so I think it’s fair to tell the story. Which I will.

So, for now, I can say that a day off feels better than a day like this has ever felt. For now, I am subbing in the class I’ll teach in, but I officially start in the fall, so I’m grateful for the chance to transition gradually to the real world. One thing I really appreciate about Swedes is their concern of others not being stressed, and doing anything to avoid stressful situations, so they’ve reiterated many times they want me to just move and do what I need to do over the summer and not feel stressed. They clearly don’t know me very well yet

Finally!!!

2011-04-27T12:47:00.001+02:00

well, here it is! The news that I think everyone else saw coming but us, and is in fact only news to us:

We have decided to accept a permanent position in Sweden and stay here, ummm, “permanently.” I’ve long ago learned through this process that there is no such thing as a plan, or really having any idea what the future brings, so I use this word very lightly. I have no idea how long permanent means or what that means in general. All I know is that for now, we are staying in Sweden.

This was not an easy decision to come to. In fact, I think this was the most difficult decision we’ve made in our nearly sixteen years of marriage. For months we talked about this. We had lists and budget plans and researched schools and researched potential housing…We talked a lot. We talked a lot to each other and to all of our friends. We talked so much it became obvious the answer wasn’t going to come from talking.

I really hoped for a very clear sign of what we “were supposed to do.” When we first came here, there were so many undeniable signs that I just hoped for a repeat of the universal flashing neon lights pointing us to the proper junction. After losing hope in any fated indication or intervention, we turned to the ridiculous signs of forced fate: a coin toss using both a krona and a quarter. Both agreed. Yet, clearly we couldn’t finalize such a life decision on a coin toss. So we played rock paper scissors. Once again, this contrived sense of searching for a sign agreed with the coin toss. Still, that wasn’t enough.

When we really understood that lists and three nights of family discussions weren’t actually getting us to a decision, we decided we would do this: each person write down a number between 0 and 100, 0 being definitely wanting to stay in Sweden, 100 definitely wanting to go back…any number in between that fit the person’s feelings. Then, we would average the numbers together, and that final number would be the final decision. I’m not going to say who wrote what, or even what the number was. I’ll say it was pretty close to 50, but it was lower than 50, so the final decision was to stay in Sweden.

The next step, however, was waiting for the official offer letter of employment. As in all things within a large corporation, this took a long time. Officially we decided nearly a month ago, but I didn’t want to make an announcement until it was truly, irrevocably official. And, yay, that finally happened towards the end of last week.

So, yes, that brings me to the next obvious point. My feelings. Our family’s feelings. For me: mostly pretty good. Extremely relieved that step is over. A little nervous. A little anxious about all the next steps. In ways, pretty excited. But, I don’t have any regrets and I don’t wish we’d gone another way. The girls are ecstatic. I’m sure they have some of the above feelings as well, but I definitely have to agree that this is the best place for the girls at this time.

I really feel that there wasn’t a “right” or “wrong" answer here. We just had to do what felt the best for us with the information we had available at the time. Many reasons that this feels like the best decision right now are:

the girls school. Meagan only has one year left. She can actually graduate with her class and not transfer to a new IB school (which is very challenging the last year anyway) her senior year.
Free college. Clearly this was a huge factor that we considered a lot. With so many articles about US schools losing funding with budget cuts, high increases in tuition, and that college loan debt now surpasses credit card debt, it’s very difficult to not see this as a great opportunity for the girls to receive an education without putting themselves into debts they’ll be stuck with most of their adult lives.
Job security. Really, we weren’t sure what the job situation would be if we went back. Surely we would find one, eventually. But that eventually didn’t feel very good. Here, there is a job and there is a 3 month minimum warning period if you are to lose it. Not to mention the severance is much better here than in the states.
We weren’t going “home.” I don’t even know what “home” is anymore. We would most likely go to Texas, which no offense to Texans, just doesn’t feel like a good fit for our family; probably especially after living in Europe for four years. But, no matter where, it wasn’t where we left from. So there wasn’t a huge draw to go back, wherever back is now.
The US doesn’t feel very secure. I don’t know. I haven’t lived there in a while. Of course we see a different picture of things living outside of it and just reading articles and watching news stories. With this incredible and massive national debt, housing crisis, unemployment…Who knows what will happen. As a matter of fact, one day Meagan was telling the story of how hard it was to make this decision on the subway to one of her friends. All the pros and cons on each side and why it was so hard. Just as she was getting off, a Swedish man that had been listening in said “tell your parents to also think about the economy in the US.” Being that it is so extremely rare (I don’t even think this has ever happened to me) for a Swedish person to interject their own thoughts into your conversation, this just goes to show the picture the rest of the world has of the US right now.
Sweden feels right. This is also hard to explain. It matches us in a lot of ways. I know we’ve evolved personally to also fit in, but I think it was always a pretty natural fit. But, not only that, we all have really good friends in here and in many ways have made lives here. This isn’t to say it’s a perfect fit, but after living abroad, I know a lot of people have this feeling. It feels as though you are both a part of everything and a part of nothing, all at the same time. We’ll never be Swedes, but I think it would be a very difficult transition to be “American” again too.

And, naturally, with the pros, there are cons. And of course I recognize them. For me, this is a pretty huge deal. I mean, it’s a big deal for all of us. We’ll become permanent residents of another country. That’s pretty huge. But, in a lot of ways, the girls just keep going to their same schools and Bryan keeps working at his same job…My life will change dramatically, and I don’t even know how quite yet. But, the thing is, I’ve decided to take this in small steps. I can’t think about winters yet just, because it is spring now and it is gorgeous. I can’t think about all of the moving and coordinating of moving we have to do this summer, because for now, all we can do is just try and prepare by selling some things. And really, this has been a stressful and pretty trying few months, so to just take this day by day, all I want to do today is relax, lay on my hammock and enjoy a brief moment of peace before the real work really begins.

Thailand

2011-03-18T21:48:00.001+01:00

Well hello there again. It’s certainly been long enough. This time I can’t blame my few and far between blog postings on the winter or my personal lack of motivation due to said winter, darkness, cold, ice…yeah. Finally, finally I have something more interesting than temperatures and light/dark calendars to write about.

We’ve been back for a few days now from Bangkok, but I suspect that I haven’t taken the time to blog since there is a part of me that doesn’t want to acknowledge this trip is actually over. I think I might have a case of post travel blues. I guess it’s just like any other extreme highlight; like the feeling on Christmas when all that remains are torn wrapping paper on the floor and a sink full of dishes. This feels even a little more like that than normal, just because this trip was such the light at the end of the tunnel for me through the last winter and all of our stressful situations, and now that it’s over, I’m not sure what the next highlight will be. Normally I’d say summer in Sweden, but wow, with everything that will happen, no matter what we choose, I’m not positive this summer will be the glorious excuse for a lot of nothingness on picnic blankets in the sunshine.

Originally, that’s what I thought we needed: the nothing beach vacation. It turned out, we couldn’t have picked a more extremely opposite atmosphere. We started by looking at going to Phuket or other more resorty locations in Thailand, but there was something about Bangkok that just called to us. And although it was chaotic, noisy, hectic, bustling, and even at times pretty overwhelming, it was lively, energetic, warm, friendly and fascinating. Really, I’ve thought about this a bit, we have such low key lives here, the everyday life in general being so very calm and reserved (and to speak for myself personally, unemployed and in this very flexible phase of my life of art projects, daily saunas and ‘finding myself’) I think we needed a bit of disorder, action, vibrancy and exhilaration.

First of all, I loved this place so much I’ve since been trying constantly to conjure up a plan to get back there as soon as possible (even if that means a year from now). I feel like this was a nice trial run, but we needed more time there to be honest. I think I always especially love wherever we manage to go with some warmth and sunshine in February; it’s partially about that perspective coming from Sweden. So with that disclaimer, I do say my two favorite places we’ve ever been are still Marrakesh and Bangkok. I do think Marrakesh ranks just a tad above Bangkok, but it’s a very, very close second.

What I liked:

Everyone is so friendly. Many times I would take a picture of something, and the person that might be in picture stopped and smiled or waved.

It is warm and humid. Not for everyone, no, but I love it personally. I think I was training for this all winter long in my sauna. (that said, we were entering the ‘warm’ season there, so we just barely beat the next couple of months that are supposed to be nearly unbearably hot.) It was in the high 80s-low 90s.

The shopping is incredible. Advice to anyone going: don’t take much because you can buy it for so much less once you get there, and take extra luggage.

The markets are fantastic. I was in Beijing six or so years ago, so I’ve been through the knock-off shopping thing before, and the hassles of haggling. Here, the prices were a lot closer to fixed, maybe off by 20-40% (a gauge we read and I felt pretty accurate). Not only that, they very rarely tried to harass you at their stalls to buy something. In Beijing, I was being grabbed at and pulled at all while hearing “cheaper, cheaper, cheaper.” It’s interesting at first, but draining. I read that in Thailand it’s very important to their culture to be kind and polite, and I really felt that.

Everything is extremely inexpensive. I didn’t even really feel like haggling over prices very much, because when you thought about it, it was the difference of like one dollar. Time will tell, but I felt like the quality was better than the things I bought in China and other people that have been there that probably know more about legit brands than I do say it is very difficult to tell the difference from fake to real. T-shirts were about $4-$5. Dresses about $8-$10, and this was even for some I bought in shops, not in markets. I bought a pair of “louis vuitton” sunglasses for less than $10, which I’m sure was still way too much, but oh well. Loads and loads of knock-off purses.

MBK!! This is a humongous mall, which is clearly the shopping for the Thai people, as opposed to the more upscale mall Siam Paragon and Discovery Center which is across the street. Both are gigantic! Like, one floor is bigger than any single mall in Stockholm, and there are seven or eight floors. Overwhelmingly huge. I know I have a tendency to want to finish something that I start, so this was almost too much to handle since there was no way in the world to make it through this entire mall from end to end. MBK actually became a bit of joke with the doorman at our hotel. We did go there several different times, so when we would wait for a taxi, he’d just joke “MBK, hahahahaha” and seemed to find this hilarious every time, especially when we rolled back in with fifteen new bags (I’ll attach a picture in the album of the two doorman with me and the girls. When Bryan took the picture, I told them to say “MBK” and they found this hilarious).

*Side note—I think it’s safe to assume nothing is legit. Even in Carrefour, a huge French shopping center like Target, I found Björn Borg underwear for less than a dollar. There are stories of pharmaceutical mafias that sell fake Chinese drugs to drugstores, so I even wondered about the ibuprofen I bought. Yeah, in some cases, the chemistry or formula is the same and it’s essentially the same thing for way less money but with cosmetic surgery and procedures like Botox being so common there, there are so many stories of it not being actual Botox, but some Chinese knock-off causing terrible side effects. I guess I would really do a lot of research before doing any medical or dental care there. I even felt it a little tempting to indulge in some cosmetic something since it’s everywhere and seems so cheap, but it just felt risky. Additionally, MBK has actual stores inside, but in many cases, you still negotiate for a price. That, to me, is a sign, no matter how good it looks, it isn’t real.

Taxis are so cheap and convenient. We could ride for 20-30 minutes, all four of us, for $2 or $3. This is quite a bit less than a one way ride in Stockholm for one person. Plus, taxis just feel like such a treat, I love any place where that can be our primary mode of transportation. Also, they are always air conditioned. That said, the traffic can be pretty atrocious. The few times it was really bad for us, I didn’t even care, because I was so relieved to be sitting in air conditioning.

The food! Amazing. Not only did we absolutely love the Thai food, but we enjoyed several missed American places, including Outback, Starbucks, A&W, Krispy Kreme and Dunkin Donuts. We also ate several different types of Asian food, including Japanize Shabu Shabu (very cool, like hot pots in China, except you go to a case and pick out all the foods you want in your soup which you cook yourself at your individual pot in the table) , authentic Chinese and other Japanize including sushi. My personal favorite place was a little cozy wooden restaurant with a great ambiance near our hotel called Mali Restaurant. I just looked it up, because I know it’s recommended by many travel books and has had a few famous guests, including one of the Spice Girls, but I just discovered the queen and king of Sweden have eaten here. I did not know that before. That’s cool. In case you’re interested:

Address: 43 Soi Sathorn 1 (Attakarnprasit), South Sathorn Road, Sathorn, Bangkok, Thailand Tel.: 286-7311 Ext. 171 Open daily from 8:30AM to 11:00 PM

Tuk tuks. These are little covered scooter like vehicles with one row of seats in the back. We read a few blogs or comments online about how hot, smelly, noisy and uncomfortable they are. To this, I say live a little! No doubt, all of the above is true. The four of us were crammed in a seat I’m sure that’s made for two (along with several bags from MBK) and I think it was riding like a low rider with all of us, and it was hot, and it smelled like exhaust, but this was probably the most fun thing we did while we were there. First of all, I think our driver decided to give us a little bonus ultra exciting ride, to which he sped down the road and made a pretty dramatic u-turn, and then he was pulled over. I felt pretty bad for him, since I knew he was just having some fun with us. Eventually, he bribed his way out of a ticket for 100baht (which was actually what we agreed to pay for the entire ride, $3). We tipped him an extra 50 baht though, just because we felt pretty bad for him. Anyway, as he sped down the road and we practically bounced off the seats several times as he went over bumps, the girls and I were just laughing hysterically. There is a picture of me where Meagan says I look like I’m having the best time of my life.

Pampering yourself! We did massages, and the girls and I had pedicures and manicures. The massages were about $10 each for an hour, and both a pedicure and manicure together were about $10. This coming from Sweden is especially a treat, where a pedicure on it’s own can cost 600kr or about $90.

I very much recommend Ruen-Nuad Massage Studio. This was a cute, quaint wooden building, which I agree with several other reviews that it was a little difficult to find, but worth the search. We each had a little room with a mat on a wooden floor, separated by wooden walls and a curtain in the front. For a Thai massage, you wear very, very loose clothes, and I would say a Thai massage is closer to some very light pilates or yoga with the masseuse pushing on different points while doing these stretches. It wasn’t a massage I was used to with rubbing, but in some ways I almost preferred it. This was the girls’ first massage, and we were all feeling very relaxed and wonderful at the end.
42 Convent Rd, Silom Bkk 10500 Tel +66 0 632 2662/3
I also really loved our night river cruise. Unlike other almost gimmicky dinner cruises we’ve been on, this felt very genuine and special, not to mention the food was very high quality and incredible, and so so much of it! It was a bit of an ordeal to get there, as the first night the van came to pick us up, but there some misunderstanding between the driver and our hotel, and they told us they left without us. They actually waited for about 20 minutes, which is terrible, but in the meantime, we took a taxi, and in the infamous horrible traffic, didn’t make it on time, and also I think he had no idea where he was going and I swear we were dropped off nowhere near we were supposed to be. At any rate, this all worked out eventually, since because of this, instead happened upon a great authentic Chinese restaurant this night, and went on the dinner cruise the next, in turn having two special date nights! The cruise includes pick up (and even in their words they say this is at your risk with traffic) and a ride back to the hotel.
www.loynava.com

Below is the album of the highlights of our trip:

Thailand highlights 2011

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Coming back to life, I hope…

2011-02-15T21:55:00.001+01:00

Well, I think I’m finally coming back to the world after a nightmare illness of nearly 10 days. Never in a million years would I guess an infection under my tooth could cause such excruciating and agonizing pain. Seriously, that was the worst pain I’ve ever been in in my entire life, to a degree of not sleeping for about four nights and moaning or crying literally almost that entire time. I think the worst part of that was that the pain medicine did literally nothing, or maybe such a little something that it wasn’t even worth the side effects it had…maybe it would go from a 10 to 9.2 or something. Keep in mind, I had dry sockets after my wisdom teeth were pulled (in all four teeth—something the dentist said he’d never seen in 30 years of dentistry), and that was a pleasant experience compared to this stupid little infection.

I was relieved to find some online forums (actually this was my dear husband trying to find some home remedy) with other people suffering this same intense unrelenting pain, and was actually relieved to see comments like “I was shot in the knee, and I would much rather be shot again than go through this pain again.” or “I had six babies with no anesthetics and that was nothing compared to this.” Hundreds and hundreds of comments like this. So at least I knew I didn’t suddenly have the weakest tolerance to pain ever known to man.

Yet, what would an illness be here without some type of ‘Swedish’ experience to go along with it? Naturally, I got this infection over the weekend, so I had two choices for emergency dentists on a Sunday, neither of which have raving reviews by any stretch. But, desperation, you know… So, we went and I should also mention that socialized medicine does not include anything dental, so I spent 500kr ($76) to be told there was nothing wrong and to be asked the one, always asked, medical superlative question that surely solves all medical issues: “have you been stressed?” Like, seriously??? I’m in the worst pain I can even imagine…this can NOT possibly be stress related…that is not the root of every ailment.

So, I left with even more stress than I went in with, along with a muscle relaxer. And we found yet another dentist the next day that was able to see me, and he found, without any trouble and with a lot of shock it was missed the previous night, an infection.

That’s just a short recap. The antibiotic took 48 hours to even start making a difference, and from that point on, it’s been very slow progress, to a point I have to reassure myself that the tiniest steps are indeed signs of progress. Like, I wasn’t able to do a load of laundry yesterday, so doing that one tiny task in a day of laying in bed means I must be improving. I don’t know. I have another appointment tomorrow, and I’m pretty sure I need more antibiotics and this isn’t entirely gone. And although I’m pretty frustrated about spending the last nearly 10 days and bed and becoming far too acquainted with the Swedish daytime tv programming, I still have to say I’m not in that kind of pain anymore.

In other news… well, now that I think about it, I can’t think of other news. I’ve been in such a torturous haze lately that I didn’t even know what day of the week it was for several days. I guess in other news, I was really wrong when I thought winter might be ending early this year. Nope. After a few days of reprieve, it decided to make a spectacular encore appearance. We’re back to well below 0 days and icy sidewalks and falling snow. On a side note, I think it is the dumbest thing in the world that they don’t shovel, or require shoveling, anywhere. They pride themselves on societally doing so many things to avoid unnecessary medical expenses, like avoiding stress (ha, yeah I know this one!) or having constant driving studies and implementing all types of strategies, in turn having the safest driving in the world; yet they miss the most obvious. I don’t care if I’m a foreigner and “haven’t learned to walk on ice.” It is the freaking scariest thing to try and get around out there. People are falling and breaking limbs and the hospitals are flooded with patients. Seriously, this is Sweden. It gets cold. It snows. People walk everywhere. hmmmmm, what could you possibly do to avoid unnecessary governmental medical spending? Hmmmm, let’s think about this for a moment, shall we?

Yeah, I’m clearly quite irritable lately. Blame it on the medicine, the pain, the general stress I’m under with where we will live in four and half months (I mean, she kinda had a point about the stress thing actually), or the winter. It’s alright because I’m trying really hard to keep in mind THAILAND!! Yep, that’s right. In other news, we are going to Thailand. That’s if I don’t fall and break my leg first

Yawn…Stretch…

2011-01-31T15:20:00.001+01:00

Yep, I think it’s official: my hibernation phase is coming to an end. Right now I’m choosing to ignore the forecast of snow in the future, because at the moment there feels hope that winter might be soon wrapping up. It’s been over freezing (maybe just slightly, but still..) for several days in a row, and we’ve gained about two hours of light in just over a month. Today the sun is shining, and although the wind is quite nippy, if you walk on the right side of the street with the sun beating down on your face, you can’t help but feel hope that we may soon be able to call this another winter we survived. As in past tense…as in done.

I know it’s a little too soon to declare a victory, but I can’t help but note how January was probably the fastest feeling month I’ve ever had in my life. It’s the oddest thing, but I’ll take it none the less. I have no idea how or why it felt so quick, being that January is notorious for its agonizing, never ending misery. Yet, Friday just kept arriving and we kept saying we had no idea how the week already went by. Still, nothing particularly interesting happened in the month of January.

Like I’ve said before, I discovered my artist side lately, so that outlet has certainly filled my days in very satisfying ways. I would frequently find hours had passed without me even noticing as I’d been so engrossed in a project. I try to finish a couple pieces a week. That said, this is also a strange paradox, as is the worst month of winter passing so quickly. I realize that my days of “finding myself’ and this window in my life of doing things just for the simple sake of personal pleasure is very quickly nearing its end; so, at the moment, I feel a sense of panic to try and squeeze in as much “pleasure” as possible, which in fact kinda steals away from the very “pleasure” part. I know, mean I know that in just a matter of months, our lives will turn to the complete opposite extreme, and I just need to finish a little more until that happens. I know, no matter what the outcome of our decisions, these hours of self discovery will be a luxury and not part of my daily routine. But, I’ve been grateful for it anyway, because in a sense it’s helped me actually treasure this season for the time it’s provided me, and has given me the very excuse I need to stay in and make time for things I’ve always fantasized about having time for.

This will likely sound like the strangest admission ever, I understand that, but I was thinking about how years and years ago I was making a list of things I wanted to do in my lifetime, and one of them was to spend a few months in a cabin (or something of the sort) during the winter in Alaska. I just thought it would be so cozy to have my family, some games, art supplies, just some very basic essentials, a fireplace, and a few months of solitude and time for personal fulfillment and family bonding. Then one day this winter, it hit me that I am (in a very strange way) doing just that, fulfilling one of my lifetime dreams. That really helped me to make peace with the icy sidewalks and early dark afternoons and my feelings that I didn’t actually want to get out in the frigid snow. This is a pocket of time I have to do something I’ve always wanted to do, and I’ve tried to take advantage of it in the way I would have, had I done the fantasy literally to the letter of how I originally saw it. And in a sense, even better, because I never imagined a sauna in my original dream

All that said, it’s been fantastic, but minus a few more weeks I might enjoy to finish up a few art projects I’m in the middle of, I’m very much looking forward to the next season. Season, literally in the sense of the earth’s rotation, and figuratively, as in whatever is next for my life.

Drumroll….

2011-01-17T14:49:00.001+01:00

I thought it only fitting to have a picture from midnight 2011 to celebrate this post, although I must admit this is pretty anticlimactic compared to the announcement of the previous year. Yeah, yeah, there have been a lot of posts since mid-September about this impending deadline and all that it represents, yet the announcement that goes along with the beginning of this new year is simply this:

We are doing something different as of June 30. This does mean we gave the six months required notice to end the current contract, but really, all that means is we ended it three or four months earlier than its natural end, and we did this because that would be somewhere between September and November (depending on a few things), so that would be extremely stressful, not to mention cruel, to move back midyear of the kids’ freshman and senior years of high school. Basically, it just means we still don’t know enough to make any definite decisions, and we aren’t really ready to commit to Sweden just yet. We just want to look as thoroughly and objectively through every option as we possibly can, and it’s simply too early to know about potential jobs in the US starting in July. And if we do decide to move back to the states, it just needs to be in the summer, before school starts.

But, honestly, what this really means if we will probably live another two to three months not knowing; or only knowing two or three months before either choice. So, that part isn’t so great, but it still feels like the best decision we could possibly have made at that moment. And, this time I’m serious when I say we definitely, unquestionably, have to make the decision by March 31 since in Sweden you must give three months notice before moving.

The good news is that we actually have a first hand contract for a new apartment with the move in date in August. I think you have to live in Sweden to truly appreciate how lucky this is. It’s a very strange system here, where people wait in line for ten or twenty years to have their chance at a first hand lease. The alternative is a second hand lease, which is just something we didn’t want to do, because this requires a move every year (unless its an ‘under the table’ lease, in which case you just have to move whenever your owner tells you to, with no required notice period, since your technically not allowed to live there anyway). Anyway, it’s a nice apartment literally next door to a very nice mall (yes, yes, I like that part), with the downside being it’s extremely small for a family of four. I don’t think this is living lagom—it’s just flat out tiny. But, it’s something, and it still beats the alternative.

So, I’m just hoping everything falls into place so we have any information we might need to make a wise decision. I should also add this: we all love Sweden very much, and have basically decided the US alternative is hopefully temporary. I feel like even if we knew with 100% certainty we wanted to stay here, there are a few things we should get in order before we settle here, so we feel like we need a year or two in the US to fully prepare, which means we ultimately want to come back here anyway. Needless to say, there’s a lot on our minds…still…always, it seems.

my granddad

2011-01-10T22:15:00.001+01:00

This isn’t how I thought my first post of 2011 would be. On Friday, my granddad passed away and went to the place he very much wanted to be, again with my grandmother who passed away in September. On the day that she passed, he told her “don’t worry sweetie, I’m right behind you.” And as sad as I feel right now, I know so very much he is exactly where he wanted to be, and is whole once again.

Yet, I can be very logical, but it doesn’t change how sad I feel right now. He was a very special man to me, a cowboy to the very truest of the definitions, a man that worked long and hard into his late 80s, a man I just guess I sort of saw as immortal in a way. He was also my last grandparent, now having lost three since we’ve lived in Sweden. This is just one more way that shows that “you can never go home again.” This is another person that I loved very much that I don’t think I’ll really grasp that they are gone until we really do try to go home again.

the following is the tribute I wrote for his obituary page:

I feel extremely blessed that I was able to see both grandmother and granddad a couple of weeks before she passed away in September. Although I have many great memories with granddad, this visit now and forever will particularly stand out as a time he made a great impact on me. Even in sickness and with limited mobility, he was (like always) ambitious, determined, resourceful and creative in the many, many goals he set out for himself. I have always admired granddad's recycling, long before this was politically correct; his love and spirit towards animals; his sense of humor; but, especially, I admire his ingenuitive ways of solving problems and working towards a goal. On this weekend, he became more than just my granddad--he became my hero, someone I will always aspire to be more like.

Highlights and Special Memories of 2010

2010-12-30T15:49:00.002+01:00

It’s just that time of year to feel a big nostalgic and reflective. I know it’s not just the combination of my recent birthday, Christmas and now the new year, but it’s also that feeling that I want to capture and remember what might be our last months in Sweden, so it just seems appropriate to look back on the wonderful moments that made 2010 the perfect start to a new decade.

First, I couldn’t possibly look back on this year without remembering the very first seconds of it—standing outside with our dear friends on the cliffs of Södermalm looking at the water, Stockholm city and the fireworks all over the sky, holding a glass of champagne, kissing Bryan and saying “Let’s just do this. Let’s stay one more year.” And making the decision in the magic that was that moment. And then announcing it to our friends a few moments later. I think everyone has a movie moment in their lifetimes. That was mine.

One of our many trips to Eindhoven in the Netherlands. We really love going here. The flight is less than two hours, and very inexpensive. But, this was great because it was January, and although definitely still chilly, it was at least sunny. Last winter was awful. The overcast and fog basically touching your head every time you stepped outside were a bit too much for me to handle.

Going to the “light bar” in Stockholm. It’s pretty much just that…a place you go and wear white robes and sit in extreme light. I told Bryan I felt like we were all angels sitting in heaven. The thing is, it went out of business. If it couldn’t make it after last winter, it was not meant to be.

One of many poker nights we hosted. And, one of many, many games where it came down to me and Nick, and wouldn’t you know, the pro takes it nearly every time. I say nearly. I do win sometimes!

Definitely, hands down, this one is in my top couple of memories, the Monday Bar spring break trance cruise. Awesome. I’ve said this before, but it always on the dance floor with a bunch of euphoric Swedes and a great DJ (Armin Van Burren was amazing) that I fall in love again and again with this country.

We did a couple of months of pilates, taught by my multi-talented friend Nick. Traditionally, we ended with wine. You might say this is counterproductive, but I would disagree. It was in fact an additional form of relaxation.

Spring break family trip to Malta in March. All I can say is sun is never so sweeter than after January and February in Sweden.

My sweet little Meagan turned 16. This is a highlight of 2010, but really hard to believe we’re really close to 17 actually!

We went to Eindhoven with two of our dear friends Michael and Gemi for the Queens Day weekend. I think we might do it again this year. It was a special weekend because now I will never forget how important the meaning of “lagom” became to me while we lived in Sweden.

It might be kinda silly, but there were two pigeons that came every evening to our balcony. We named them Anna och Anders. I did a little reading and found out that pigeons actually mate for life, so they just became so sweet to watch as the male was so affectionate with the female.

It turns out that Anders och Anna were also Sofie’s highlights of the year.

Just the general hopeful feeling that April brings. My first time to got sit out at my favorite spot in the grass of Katarina Kyrka. No, it wasn’t bikini and picnic weather yet, but the grass was starting to get a little greener and those days were coming!

Our trip to Hungary, Austria and Slovakia . Unfortunately, Meagan couldn’t come because she was too busy in school, but it was nice to have some special time with Emily. We’ll have to do this with Meagan too.

Bryan and I going to the Deadmau5 show at Berns in May. This was so great because the Swedes were really into it.

Girls night out at Mosebacke in May. Especially great because it’s the beginning of feeling the sun out a little longer each night.

A spontaneous walk home instead of riding the tunnelbana lead us to this club outside underneath an overpass. We decided to forgo any sense of responsibility for the next day and share a bottle of sangria.

Probably the best memory of our year. Our very special 15 year anniversary party.

Our two week vacation to Alicante Spain. Two weeks of relaxing, reading, iPod, sun, picnics and a different beach everyday. It will take a lot to beat that one!

In July at 3am, I looked outside and the sunrise was gorgeous. I somehow convinced Bryan this was something I needed to do, to go outside and take a walk and take pictures since it might be my last chance to do this. He reluctantly came along, and it was incredible out there.

Our last party in our Södermalm apartment, otherwise known as the Havenstein pimp pad. It was a sad night, since it was also the night I said goodbye to my dear friend Cecily moving back to the US and just a rehearsal (as far as we knew at that point) for saying so many goodbyes in the future.

Bryan and I riding around all over the city on his scooter. This was a chilly day, but on most weekends in the summer, we packed a picnic and went to a beach and laid out in the sun.

Most definitely a highlight. On the summer days that I wasn’t laying out at Katarina Kyrka, I very much enjoyed my hammock on the balcony. There’s a saying that you know you’ve lived too long in Sweden when the sun is out and you feel guilty you aren’t outside. I definitely know what this feels like.

I wouldn’t say that moving itself was a highlight of the year, but it was in fact a huge part of our year. But, I did love coming back from a stressful afternoon of moving more boxes from the old apartment to find that the girls had made some good use of their free time and made the fort to end all forts. Two entrances and a huge shared space, they took in their laptops and blankets, and Meagan even spent the night in their one night. I asked if I could join them, but they told them it was only a fort for two.

Our yearly trip to Gröna Lund, the little Stockholm amusement park. There is one ride that Meagan and I love, and we made poor Richard and Bryan sit and wait for us while we went on it together. It’s just now tradition.

Bryan and I at Gröna Lund, with Södermalm in the background.

Our annual trip to the fall festival at Skansen, an outdoor historical open air market.

Bryan and I at the Chris Daughtry concert in October. Such a great story. I saw a poster as we were driving down the street and pointed it out to Bryan and he said “What, would you like to go?” and then reached into his bag in the backseat and pulled out two tickets.

Our annual fall picture day picture.

Our Halloween party, the first big party we had at the new apartment. It was also our first time to dress up as adults. We had a fantastic night.

Having dinner at our friends’ Michael and Gemi’s apartment, a Chinese fest that was arguably the best meal we’ve had the whole year. Who says you can’t find authentic food in Stockholm?

Our annual Christmas trip to Germany for the Christmas markets.

Absolutely freezing, but we had to do it…Christmas markets in Stockholm.

Getting our family Wii for Christmas. We decided to just buy one gift we could all enjoy, and exchange stocking stuffers. Here are our miis we created. Me, Bryan, Emily and Meagan. Bryan’s is uncanny

And, last, but definitely, definitely not least, my birthday party. This night was one that I will never, ever forget. This is in my top memories of our whole time of living in Europe.

It’s really amazing all this happened in a year. It doesn’t feel like a year, not at all, since we had our new year’s party. It definitely doesn’t feel like so much time has really gone by. I can’t really believe we had so much trouble deciding to stay another year, when now, we’re thinking so much longer term. I am so, so, so glad we made the decision we did.

This was a year filled with a lot more than just fun memories. We found out we had to move from our apartment we loved in Södermalm. I lost my grandma, although I’m still very grateful I was able to go to the states and say goodbye. We found out the office we thought we were going back to in Colorado is closing. We recently found out our renters are breaking their lease and moving out after only 3 months of their year contract. I try to remember that this is what life is about, ups and downs. And these pictures help me remember that there have been waaaay more ups than downs, and that this time in Europe is such a gift and it will take a lot to top 2010.

And to that, happy 2011. And many great memories to all.

Yay, new laptop! Yipee!

2010-12-28T23:14:00.001+01:00

So, yeah, that’s pretty much my new news for now. I finally, finally got a new computer and I am so happy to be on my way to everything back to normal. I just bought it yesterday, so I’m still adjusting to the new keyboard (and also the fact that the computer is Swedish and I have it set to US, so have to just remember where certain keys are) and also still setting everything up and getting pictures on here. But, it shouldn’t take long before this just feels as natural and normal as my old one did. Hopefully anyway.

I’m still very impressed with Bryan’s ability to find what we need over here. We bought it at webhallen.se which we found through prisjakt.nu. Both very good and recommended sites. It was definitely the best price for a laptop, and I’m glad for this, because after searching at several electronics stores and also then comparing possibilities to what these same computers cost at Bestbuy in the states, I was feeling pretty nauseous, yet not nauseous enough to go without a laptop until we go back to the states again…

One of these days, I should share my favorite sites, restaurants, places-- all of my favorites and secrets I’ve discovered to making my life a little easier and more pleasant while living here. I don’t know. I guess I feel like this info will make for a good closure when/if we go back. For now, I don’t want a lot of competition on the sites where we can get airfare for 250kr (yep, that just happened, for two round trip tickets) or my 149kr “dress of the day” disappearing before I get to buy it—heehee. It took a long time to figure these things out. I want to keep these secrets for just a little bit longer But maybe I’ll share a little something every now and again.

Other than my new laptop I’ve been trying to figure out, our family has been very competitively engrossed in our new Wii. We decided this Christmas that instead of exchanging gifts, we would buy a Wii and accessories as a big family gift for everyone. I actually had this idea and didn’t know if the kids would really go for it, but everyone has loved this. Naturally, we all exchanged a few small things, but the Wii was basically our Christmas.

We had a very close call picking it up from UPS though. We just kept trying to decide if this was actually a good idea since we might just have to sell it all in a few months, so we did wait until only a few days before Christmas to order it; but, with a guaranteed delivery date by the 24th. Anyway, we weren’t home when the package arrived (on the 23rd I should mention), went to pick it up during the few hours they were open the 24th, and found that they couldn’t find one of the boxes. Long story short, the idiot delivery man had left this one solitary box in his truck, so we were very grateful they went to the trouble to thoroughly search everywhere it could be. Thankfully it worked out. Then we came home and watched the traditional Kalle Anka Christmas special, opened our gifts (we did it the Swedish way this year on Christmas eve), made Christmas dinner, then set up the Wii…and that’s basically all we’ve been doing since.

I swear, though, that one of these days you might find a video on youtube of me trying to do the hulahooping game on Wii Fit. I’ll admit, it will be hysterical. Meagan has ideas of setting it to background music, which I would guess would be something very club musicy. I also swear I’m burning a hell of a lot more calories with all of my hip motions trying desperately to compete with the rotation records my family has set. It’s a little embarrassing who in our family is the best at this game.

Anyway, this is just a brief update until I get all of the pictures on here from the last few days so I can do a proper post. But in reality, I’m really just getting really frustrated with pushing capslock instead of shift every time I want to make a capital letter.

Countdown to Christmas

2010-12-22T22:37:00.001+01:00

It’s nearly impossible to believe we’re just a few days away from Christmas. The only part that makes this feel even slightly comprehendible is the fact that it is extremely cold and snowy here. But, that’s actually working against enjoying this time of the year because it is just too cold. Right now it’s –20 degrees C. We haven’t done many of the traditional outings like the Christmas markets since every weekend we think “oh, it’s freezing, maybe next weekend.” And here we are, three days away.

Yet, all that said, it’s been a “lagom” Christmas season. We’ve decorated, but maybe not to the extreme we would have in our house in the states. We’ve done some shopping, but not as much as when Santa was a big name around here. We’ve been out and around the city, but lately it’s been by car seeing the sights from the comforts of my heated seat warmer. We’ve eaten a few pepparkakor and had a glass of glögg (but to be perfectly honest, it feels like we just did this—I don’t know how Swedes do these traditions so faithfully and excitedly year after year.)

So far, the highlights of the year have been a Christmas concert we went to at Katarina Kyrka, the old church that is across the street from our old apartment which was a boys choir with the special guest Danny Saucedo (a pop artist here), and the St. Lucia Julbord (Christmas table) that Bryan’s company does annually for the international assignments. It’s no secret that this just isn’t my favorite time of the year, but it’s true that the small, inconsequential parts that mean the most to me. My favorite part of the year so far was just going to a mall for a day with my family and spending the day laughing and being together. I should also mention this was my birthday. A very simple day, but a happy day.

Other than normal Christmas activities, towards the end of last month, I just wondered one afternoon if I could draw, so I decided to sketch a postcard I had of Gamla Stan. I should add I took an art class about 13 years ago and have done little with this since. And, I should also add, I was quite satisfied with my little sketch. So, one sketch turned into about ten so far. And these sketches turned into an afternoon routine of a new project (which helps justify watching America’s Next Top Model). And then my brain constantly thinking of more and more ideas for future projects. And this turned into the greatest project I have ever done, which in fact was a multi-afternoon project of a collage. I shouldn’t really write about these projects until I have pictures to post, but I will post soon, because it seems I’ve found another outlet for ‘finding myself’ in these unemployed months in this life of mine in Sweden.

But, whether I’m writing or drawing or scrapbooking, I’m still always, always, always thinking…naturally of our impending decision. Or, as of late, of our frustrating situation of our renters in the states deciding to bail on their lease (they just signed three months ago I should add). I try to tell myself that “such is life” but seriously, between all the huge, gigantic factors in our futures, or this house, or college in a little over a year, or other personal dramas, I’m just quite proud of myself for remaining relatively sane. As a matter of fact, I got the best compliment from one of my best friends here. He said it’s so noticeable how much better I’m coping with winter this year and how there is just such a huge difference in my attitude. Yay for me! Maybe all of my “winter survival plans” are actually working. Or maybe I’m used to Swedish winters (nah, that can’t be it). Or maybe it’s this new creative outlet. I don’t know. At any rate, I’ve thought a lot about the highlights of my last year and how glad I am that we are still here and that we definitely made the right decision last December to stay one more year. So, the next post will be a list of my favorite memories of Sweden 2010. But, if I don’t post this before Christmas, I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday!

While we were away…

2010-12-13T17:18:00.002+01:00

Ok, first of all, I have to say this is a screen shot from the English online newspaper here, and I’m pretty sure they changed this right away, but come on, an ad that says “Blow me up” next to this breaking news? Especially with the final line of the sneak preview of the article “Police believe the man who died may have blown himself up.” It’s a little shocking that this was overlooked, even if temporarily.

But, this little faux pas is hardly the point. We were in Germany for our annual Christmas market shopping trip, and just happened to check the news at our hotel, and discovered this news within an hour of this happening. Now, two days later, we know that it was most likely a man acting alone (although specialists still say there are usually other people involved) and what was intended to be much more significant essentially failed miserably and he, the suicide bomber in an attempted terrorist attack, basically just committed suicide (granted, in a dramatic, crude, and clearly hateful way).

It’s hard to separate the reality, which essentially says that nothing truly happened (no damage to buildings, only two injuries, probably didn’t even detonate where he intended) from the possibilities (deaths, destruction, not to mention more psychological damage had this detonated in an even more populated place like a train or station with panic and terror in an enclosed place). The fact is, nothing like this has EVER happened in Sweden, ever before, so as it was said on CNN by the prime minister, this is a “trend breaker.” What does that mean for the future?

Who knows. Maybe this was an isolated event, maybe it wasn’t. Maybe next time it would detonate according to plan, maybe there isn’t a next time. All I can really do is speak for myself, which is to say I think it was probably a one time thing. Probably just one infuriated extremist. But, the thing is, it’s that word “probably” that wasn’t in my vocabulary regarding terrorism here a week ago. This is Sweden after all. It’s a very peaceful and relaxed and reserved place. Besides our occasional thefts and vandalism, this is a place I feel very, very safe and secure in. This is just not a place to worry about terrorist suicide bombers while out Christmas shopping.

I do have to say, however, this is one time where our social differences (Swedes vs. Americans) are extremely clear and juxtaposed. If this happened in, say Denver, exact same scenario, one solitary guy “attempting” but not really accomplishing his mission, this would still be on the news nearly 24/7, for a couple of days at least. Even if only a line across the bottom of the TV, there would be constant updates. We just are not inundated with news here. I don’t know what it would take to have a “Breaking news story,” but nothing has been that news worthy in three years. I’m surprised how many of my friends were within blocks of this and didn’t know about it for hours or even a day later. But, what I primarily see is the attitude difference. We, as an American culture, are outraged, frightened, and most of all, opinionated when these types of things happen. Here, people don’t talk about it at work, theorize, analyze, or in a few of my friends, aren’t even discussing it with their families. I noticed on my facebook page that nearly every single one of my American-living-in-Sweden friends had posted their thoughts, or in the very least, a link to the story. However, none, not a single one of my Swedish friends has said a word. I even put up a status asking them why that is, but there has been no response.

Yet, it’s definitely just a social difference. I’m sure this is just shocking, if only just the very intent, to a people who see themselves as very non-confrontational , peaceful, and are in the top couple of countries offering the most social aid to the rest of the world-voluntarily and individually. It’s shocking that there was someone that wanted to see their mothers, sisters and children die, in his own words minutes before this happened. Here, in this city, a couple weeks before Christmas. I’m sure it’s hard to know what to say. Also, it’s sometimes easiest to not really think about what could have been, since what happened, wasn’t that…

One of my friends asked me if this changes things, or settles things, however you want to look at it, for our decision we have to make in a few weeks. If this is clear cue for our graceful exit. The thing is, I don’t really know. I asked her “to what, go back to a place that’s void of hatred and the fear of terrorism?” That’s just it. This just puts in perspective that there is no where in the world that is free from danger, that there is no where free from dangerous people. All I do know, is, these feelings are based on the “reality” of what occurred, not the “what ifs.” I think everyone would be feeling a lot differently had the intentions and what ifs been the reality.

My ‘maybe’ last birthday in Sweden

2010-12-06T15:13:00.001+01:00

I’m really glad I have pictures just like this one, otherwise I might wake up one day in America and swear this was all just a dream. Maybe it’s the weather. Maybe it’s the darkness. Maybe it’s the impending deciding date. Maybe it’s the feeling of a low after such a high. In any case, I’ve looked at the pictures from my “maybe last birthday in Sweden” several times the last couple of days, each time my heart feeling extremely full, and my eyes a little teary.

This was honestly one of my very favorite nights I’ve had since we moved abroad. One day I’ll make a list of my favorite memories, and I bet many of them involve these people. I’ve said this before, but there is something very special and bonding about the expat friendship, and it’s just something I don’t know if we’ll ever find again. But, it’s not just that they’re expats—these are great people. Our friends are on the very top of my “reasons to stay in Sweden” list. And they will be the hardest part of leaving if that is what we choose.

It was the type of party that was sad to see end, even if it was 4am. It was the type of party that was sad because of that “last” part of the “maybe this is the last birthday.” If the clicking of the lock when the last person left and the tears that followed are any indication, wow, the kleenex corporation will love me. But, I don’t want to think about that part of my night. These are my favorite memories of the night, the ones I never want to forget:

A day before the party, one of my best friends Nick and I went on walk. At this point, he insisted that at this party I was going to really let lose and stop being so conservative with my couple of drinks limit…yeah, foreshadowing here…

The very fact that EVERYONE honored my request to have a “discussion on our future” free night. When I got teary a couple of times, I was reminded this wasn’t allowed to think about.

Trying to coordinate fourteen people to sit on our stairs and pose for a picture.

Loving my outfit I picked just for the occasion.

Bryan making the announcement about Nick’s rule for my “letting lose” and then offering me a toast and my first birthday shot.

Nick following me around all night making sure I always had my drink in my hand. And keeping it full. And “skål”ing (cheers) to anything and everything. You’re supposed to sip your drink after saying “skål.” Supposedly anyway. I’d never heard that rule before.

Bryan offering my second shot later in the night, and then me standing there and looking around at all of my friends smiling with this look of super-anticipation, like something really exciting was going to happen with that one. Looking at everyone smiling at the moment really stands out to me.

Deciding to play a game of poker, with the suggestion it could get “interesting.” I will clarify it did NOT and was not going to, but it was funny none the less. But, I put on gloves and a hat just in case.

Playing the most perfectly played poker hand of a 7 and 2 which turned out to be a full house, the first hand of the night, perfect poker face and totally killing on that hand. Everyone was laughing and high-fiving and it was the perfect start to the game.

Actually, just killing on poker in general. I think I won every hand I played. But, then Nick who used to be a professional player, telling me I should consider playing professionally as well. I think I’m a pretty decent player, but I don’t know. Maybe I’ll be the first at home mom to make it to the World Poker Series.

But, the absolute highlight of the night was our champagne at midnight and opening my gifts. I was so touched by the thoughtfulness and the love I felt, especially when I opened one gift that was purchased by four of my friends together, which is a beautiful teal Swarovski necklace. The thought of them going to the store and picking something that they knew I would love just means so very much to me. There are a few items I’ve attained since living abroad, like our clock from Germany, my blanket from Morocco, our art from Spain, I don’t know, I should make a list of my favorite items one day—but, this necklace will make that list, no doubt.

Thank you all for the best birthday party I’ve had in Europe!

The Closing of November

2010-11-30T12:36:00.001+01:00

I can’t even believe this month is almost over. It is just absurd that tomorrow is already December. But, the good news is, I survived what I consider to be the worst month, no problems whatsoever. I don’t know if my lifestyle changes are really the source or it’s completely psychosomatic, but in either case, so far, no winter blues. The bad news, however, is that it is –13 C today or about 8 F. It’s a little too late in the season to think this is just a cold front and it’ll get better; I think we’re in this thing for real now.

There seems to be a little bit of debate amongst my expat friends on what the worst month here actually is. I still hold hard and fast that it is November. It’s not like I particularly love January or February, but this is how I see it: with the exception of the current November, no, it’s not particularly cold and not quite the darkest it will be. But I guess I parallel winter here to torture; so, in an analogy of an abductor, maybe in the mafia (just for added drama) wanting some kind of incriminating information on their enemy, November is the moment being duct taped to a chair knowing there is a tub of water your face is about to meet, while the rest of the winter is the head under water itself. Sometimes I think the anticipation and dread is worse than the actual event, that feeling of “oh crap, it’s coming, it’s coming, it’s coming…”

The one exception to my extraordinarily good mood for this time of year, is the fact that my computer died. For nearly one month, I’ve been waiting for a new battery to arrive, just in case that was the problem of its lack of power. Unfortunately, no, my computer lived out it’s 5 year life and has moved on to a better place (which, in fact, at the moment means 45 pieces spread across my kitchen table). I do not know what this means for me. Naturally, as is the rule for everything here, a laptop is about 30% more than they cost in the states. So, as much as I need a new computer, I don’t know that I can justify that, not to mention dealing with a Swedish keyboard. And, I still don’t even know about my hard drive. My fingers are crossed so very much because it hasn’t been backed up in a couple of months, and it will be heartbreaking if some of those pictures are now gone.

Due to my lack of computer (and obviously my hard drive in question) I haven’t been able to post pictures in nearly a month. So, it’s not because I’ve gotten lazy or have nothing to share; it will just be a catch up post of pictures at some point—hopefully. And, I also have to use my husband’s tablet pc to blog, which is actually kind of a pain with this tiny keyboard. So, these are the reasons it’s been less frequent and interesting, but I promise more is coming.

Yep, it’s winter no doubt

2010-11-22T14:01:00.001+01:00

This morning, the sunrise was at 7:58 and the sunset will be at 3:09. In one week, we lost 24 minutes in our days. And, we woke up to snow. Again. And, it’s been snowing pretty steadily all day. Oh, and it’s so cold. 32F right now, with a ten day forecast looking pretty grim too, with temperatures in the 20s many of the days this week. Last year, we went a few months with no days above 0 Celsius, which is frankly pretty depressing to see a negative number everyday on the thermometer. Day after day after day; and here we go again. Already. It’s feels much too early for real winter to be here. But, there’s no denying it: winter is here.

I had a thought which started as an optimistic thought: only one month until the worst, and then we’re heading in the right direction again. Then I realized, January 22 is pretty similar in daylight hours to today, November 22, so we have basically two more months until we get back to the point we’re currently at. Way to go logical-fact-based part of my brain to throw a huge downer on my emotional-based part of my mind.

But, everything is ok so far. We have our annual trip to Germany in a few weeks to look forward to. As much as we love the Christmas markets in Stockholm, they just have nothing on the markets in Germany. These alone rank on my lists of reasons to stay in Europe. Then, there’s my birthday before Christmas and a party I’m having in a couple weeks for that. We have our annual international assignment St. Lucia julbord from Bryan’s work, which is just a highlight for our family, maybe not in the ways they intend—it’s just so dang Swedish it’s funny (same choir with the same enthusiasm and over the top animated facial expressions, exactly the same sill and potatoes, a verbatim speech for all the expats about Swedish etiquette, same expats that ignore said speech and do such atrocities as mix warm and cold food on the same plate. The only mystery each year is which choir member will be St. Lucia that year.) And, we also have Christmas.

I guess I kind of have mixed feelings about Christmas, but all in all it’s something to look forward to. That is one hard part of living abroad: being alone at Christmas. Unfortunately, with all of our unknowns, it seems like we will be here this year. I only mean unfortunately in the sense that we won’t be around our families and normal traditions, but Sweden is a lovely place to be at Christmas time. We had hoped to travel and get to somewhere a bit warmer and sunnier during the break, but again, without knowing anything at the moment, that is just something we can’t do. So, it will be the four of us, which will be fine. I have a feeling it will be very cozy.

In other news, we went to Thanksgiving dinner on Saturday night with a bunch of other Americans, so that was very refreshing. I still don’t know if we’ll do anything with our family, but if we do, it will be this weekend, so I guess no real Thanksgiving this year, which again, is fine. I think since we’ve been here we’ve tried harder to adopt Swedish traditions into our lives instead of a high priority of maintaining American ones. I wonder if we’ll continue with the Swedish ones if/when we move back with more success than we did the American ones.

But, the most exciting news is that Bryan needs to go to China in January, and I am really hoping I can manage a way to go along. I’m not really sure what Shanghai is like in January, but I’m guessing it beats Sweden, so it feels like a hope I can maybe have a brief reprieve from winter. Maybe. All I know is that I had an opportunity to go along to India and decided it was too much right after getting back from a visit in the states, and now I really regret it. So, I will do what I can to go along. So, maybe in two months time, when the light is the same as today and most likely there will be more snow than today, I can be in Asia.

Now here’s the November I remember

2010-11-15T16:49:00.001+01:00

It’s not quite four o’clock, yet completely dark. We’re still over a month away from the shortest day of the year. It’s been very overcast, rainy and dreary all day, and based on the 10 day forecast, we’ve got nine more days of this. I pulled out my sunlamp several days ago, so my window must be a bright glowing white contrast to look at from the outside. I learned far late into last year that this is just crucial to my survival here, the sunlamp. “Survival” is certainly a strong word and a lighthearted exaggeration. . . well, kind of. It makes a big difference and well worth the investment.

So, after three winters here including the un-toppable winter from hell from last year, I decided to start this one with a “Survival Plan.” It’s a little depressing, the very thought of living in the place that requires a plan to survive for nearly half of the year, but I’ve also learned that I need to face reality and acknowledge this reality and face it head on. My plan includes:

1. Healthy eating lifestyle. Right now, that means a very natural/organic/nothing processed diet. It’s pretty cliché and probably too idealistic to really do through the whole winter, but it’s really true: I feel a billion times happier when I eat very healthily

2. Exercising every morning (right after I have my coffee, of course). Nothing too intense, just some pilates, yoga or resistance bands.

3. Using my sunlamp whenever I’m using my computer, or for at least an hour or two a day.

4. Using a tanning bed, occasionally. Yeah, I know they’re not that good for you, but the thing is, neither is no UV whatsoever. I think in extreme moderation, like 10 minutes every week or every other week will be enough to make me feel like I was exposed to some light, but not so much that I will regret it with wrinkles later on.

5. Hopefully, hopefully, breaks from the Swedish winter. I don’t know how much we can travel right now with all of our unknowns, but I hope we can get away once in a while to a brighter/warmer climate at least a couple of times this winter.

6. Taking advantage of my nice hot sauna daily. There is nothing like feeling a little too hot, getting a little sweaty, listening to music, while watching the snow fall.

And, so far so good. I know it’s early on, but last November was probably my worst winter month over the last three years, so I know early on can be really rough. I have a five year journal, so each page is a specific date with space for five fairly short entries. Anyhow, I was reading what I wrote this time last year and it was along the lines of “note to self: you can not live in winters here forever. They suck.” In mid-November. So, this is why I have to do everything within my control to make the next months happy and manageable.

Which brings me to the the most obvious point to address: no, we have not made any decisions. Needless to say, it is very stressful and heavy. Another reason I am making conscious lifestyle changes: for my own mental health. I think all in all, we are handling it very well, but it’s still always there with us, in our thoughts and constantly in our conversations. I don’t even think we’re close to deciding. Neither of us has a strong opinion of which way to go, and actually, neither option feels that great. I know a lot of this is because the second option, the option to move back to the states, isn’t really an option. An option, in the sense, that there isn’t a literal job and a literal job offer…it’s all just theoretical. Maybe we could find one, maybe not. And all this would occur months after we say no to staying here, so that unknown variable is very unnerving. That doesn’t mean we won’t take that leap and that risk. We might. But, it just doesn’t feel that good right now. Maybe something will happen in the next few weeks that will make something just feel right. I don’t know what that would be, but I just want to feel good about whatever decision we make, even if it involves some unknowns. But, I do have a feeling that we won’t decide by the end of the month like we’d hoped: I think this will go down to the midnight hour, and most likely will be based on how we happen to be feeling in the end of December, since every logical way to decide with lists, budgets, family votes, etc, comes out to 50/50. Every time.

Hittegods

2010-11-09T18:13:00.001+01:00

So, I realize the following statement is going to jinx me in the biggest way possible, but it’s still true (for now anyway, fingers crossed): of all the thefts and vandalism we’ve been victim to in the last couple of the years, nothing has happened to me personally. I did have a very close call when we were in Spain. We were sitting at an outdoor café and I happened to notice this guy kinda walking back and forth on the street in front of us, nonchalantly, yet still seemingly paying a suspicious amount of attention to our direction. Naturally, as a mother of two attractive teenage girls, I made a mental note of this. However, I was only thinking of myself and the girls. I hadn’t thought about my purse sitting beside my feet on the ground. Several minutes later, I see this guy walking up the stairs away from the café carrying my bag in his arms. I have no idea how we didn’t see him come behind us as we were chatting and actually grab my purse which was practically touching my feet, but at any rate, that was a very, very close call, with my camera, sunglasses, iPod, Swedish ID…And, to complete the story, I yelled out “that guy has my bag.” And then several people stood up as if they were going to run after him if he ran, but that man just stood there sort of stunned and paralyzed and Bryan got to him first and the guy just handed my bag right over.

However, with the exception of my one close call, I’ve actually had the opposite luck, if you will. Instead of having things taken, I tend to find things. Multiple times I’ve found 20 or 50kr bills (not so much, $3 or $7). I found 20 euro once at Oktoberfest in Munich. The best, however, was finding a 1000 Norwegian krona bill crumpled and stuck between two stones on a street late at night. I still feel terrible for the person that lost it, but it was in the middle of the night, on a deserted street with no one else around anywhere. Based on how it was hardly even visible, I suspect it had been there a while, stepped on and over many, many times before.

Yet, very recently, I found a 500kr ($76) Swedish bill on the floor of a store. This felt really different to me than finding something on a street at 2 am. Not at one point did I think of keeping this money. I wanted to get the money back to the rightful owner, but, naturally, this seemed very tricky. I could ask anyone in the store if they lost 500kr, and they might just say yes anyway. I could give it to the store owner, but still, that didn’t feel right either. I walked around the store with the money for a while to see if anyone seemed like they noticed they were missing it, and listened in to conversations for awhile, but nothing.

I decided to call my husband for his opinion of what I should do, and with his amazing Swedish skills, he googled this, and found some commentary on almost this very same scenario. The person should not give the money to the store owner or *obviously* just keep it. There’s a place specific for this. A lost and found of the city, through the police department. Another story which brought us to wondering if there was a specific protocol for such things, was a story his Swedish teacher told in class: she found a very expensive watch in her front yard, and if the owner didn’t claim it in 3 months, it was legally hers. Or, if it was claimed, the owner must give a reward of 10% of the value, which for this watch, happened to be a lot of money. This was intended to begin a conversation in Swedish about ethics. What’s ethically right or even the social norm in any particular place?

Here is the information for hittegods (found items):

http://www.polisen.se/Service/Hittegods/

More Specifically for Stockholm:

http://www.polisen.se/Stockholms_lan/sv/Kontakta-oss/Polisstationer/Stockholms-lan/City1/City-Hittegods/

So, I went last Friday to take the money in. A couple of thoughts on this: first of all, the hours are very restricted Mon- Fri 10-3 (typical Sweden) and only street parking, so we had to pay for parking (so it actually is kind of inconvenient, and actually costs you money to do the ‘right thing’). But, all in all, it’s a great concept. We went in the room, and there were hundreds and hundreds of keys hanging on a wall under labels of months going back to July. The other interesting part of lost/found items, if you find something, you have two weeks to turn it in. And like in the above story, If it is claimed, you get a reward. If it is not claimed in 3 months, you get to keep it.

The best part about doing this, however, was when I was telling the lady at the counter that I had 500kr that I found that I would like to give her, the guy sitting behind us said in Swedish “I can not believe there are still people like this left in the world. If I hadn’t seen this myself, I never would have believed it.” This was one day when I was incredibly proud to speak English. I’m not saying I did anything great, and I’m certainly not saying one nationality of a person is more likely to return lost money than another, but on that day, I was proud to make an impression on somebody-- him knowing I was an American.

And, the thing is I doubt highly that money is claimed. I doubt very much somebody even knew they were missing that money until much later, in another store, at a restaurant, and they reach into their pocket to pay, and its just not there…I doubt they thought about retracing their steps or more so, thought there was any hope in doing that. They would have to have known the exact place, exact time and location to claim this. I’m sure they would be just like I would in the same scenario, and just feel terrible but accept it as a loss. I hope they do get it back though. I really do! But, if not, I get a little 500kr treat somewhere in January.

November 1

2010-11-01T17:07:00.001+01:00

I pretty much feel like I did when I was a little girl when my cousin and I would have "holding your breath under water" contests. And, I am just as triumphant this time as I was then. I successfully stayed immersed under the pool of October and am now taking that much needed deep breath and feel both successful and relieved that I made it. Yep, it was a rather useless and meaningless goal, just like it was to look my cousin straight in the googled eye with a deviant unspoken challenge to just see how long I could make it. But, I made the whole month not analyzing and hypothesizing about our extremely unknown future. And, now I'm ready to just spill out all of my bottled up thoughts and fears.

But first, a couple of quick updates. We had our first Halloween party last Saturday (first annual one in Sweden, maybe--see, this is what I mean!) For some of our friends, it was their first Halloween celebration ever, with a few extra special American touches like jello shots and a wicked punch served from a pumpkin with the eerie touch of dry ice. Thank goodness I had this party to plan and think about, because it gave me something else to look forward to and to (sort of) distract me from my constant wondering. It's always a little disappointing when a big event is only a memory, but I feel very happy with the evening. The only thing is a few times through the night I found myself feeling already really nostalgic and sentimental. We really love our friends over here and will miss these gatherings greatly if this indeed the countdown to the end.

Me and three of my closest friends here.

Nick, one of my closest friends here, and probably our biggest advocate for staying :)

Bryan and I were a Bavarian couple. I think our two German friends were just shaking their heads at us all night, especially when our music play list came on with a good classic Bavarian song and everyone broke out into some impromptu attempt at clog dancing :)

Our pumpkin punch bowl. I think this was the hit of the party.

Bryan between two Bavarian girls.

My very talented professional dancer friend taught everyone a dance routine, which was a lot more successful than the Bavarian jig we made up.

However, the other side of our Halloween night was waking up to the time change on Sunday morning. So, at 4:3o pm right now, it is nearly totally dark. This time change really marks the beginning to the end. Yet, so far so good with my feelings for winter here. Yes, it's only the first of November, but today was sunny and in the upper 40s, so all I can do is take this one day at a time, and report so far it's all good.

And, here we are, November 1, and I contained all of my feelings for an entire month, and really don't have anything more to add now. It's so complicated I don't even know where to begin. This isn't just a gut feeling decision. We have many aspects to consider, and so many that seem completely unsolvable. On both sides. Neither seems necessarily good, necessarily bad. Some major considerations are:

our oldest daughter is one and a half years from graduating and wants to come back here for college anyway, and college is free here. She loves it here and feels this is the place she is meant to be. If she goes to school here, she will settle down here. If she's going to settle down here, I kind of want to too.

however, I think a year of a US school could be good for her. She could have one last opportunity to feel life there and make a decision based on both places. And, to make matters even more complicated, our youngest daughter does want the American high school experience. She doesn't see herself living her life out over here.

we have to officially say no to staying here before we even search for an option in the states. This seems very risky and scary in the current economy in the states.

the likeliest scenario is California. That said, we would have to move directly from Sweden to a place we've never seen or been to. This freaks me out.

housing is very difficult to find here. There are long queues (like ten years or longer) for rentals. It's a strange situation that I think was worded best from a Swedish friend of ours as a "convoluted combination of communism and capitalism." The idea is for fairness and to keep rent down, but this doesn't work out very well for people trying to move/stay in Sweden.

recently a law was passed requiring 15% for a down payment to buy something. Granted, interest rates are extremely, extremely low, so payments are very reasonable, but the flip side is, housing initially is very expensive. For something large enough for our whole family, this is 3,000,000 or 4,000,000kr or roughly $600,000. This is an apartment in the suburbs, by the way. Saving for this down payment is just not something we can manage before the summer. I mean, who could? Not to mention, it's just a whole other level I'm not sure we're ready for: the commitment to purchase property abroad. Scary.

all this said, everyone that decides to stay does find somewhere to live. It might end up being through a second hand lease, which has it's own complications, including many times the landlord 'shouldn't' know you are there, so you have to lie low, and you have to move once a year. I'm not anxious to start a trend of moving every year.

but, we love living here. There's nothing really wrong with our current lives. There's nothing we are really missing or longing for. Sure, it'd be nice to see our families more and to have our dog, but the other side of this, we're in Europe. The economy is stable here. Jobs are very secure. Our kids love school. We have great friends. We have adjusted quite well to the culture here I think, to such a degree I'm worried about the culture shock on the other side. Especially going to California, a place I never really saw myself living in.

swedish...this just isn't my thing I think. But it would have to be. We've been living in such a state of temperance for so long, I've always been able to justify not really learning it, because it's only "one more year." Now it's just plain embarrassing, as we're going on four years now. Which is fine if we go back in July, but it's this vicious cycle where I'll even lose more time not learning if we decide to stay, or I'll "waste" (in my opinion) time learning a language I don't see having much value in the states when I only have a few months left and want to just relax and enjoy this time in other ways.

So, the moral of all of this, we have huge issues to consider. And huge risks on either side. If we decide we want to move back, we give up a position here months and months before we can even begin the process of looking there. And we take a huge risk of finding out the grass really isn't greener. One of my greatest fears is waking up there feeling like "oh my gosh, what have I done?!! I want to go back!" The other risk is deciding we want to stay, but not being really sure where we will live. Also, just the risk of a commitment to a long term life in Sweden. I mean, as well as we've adjusted here, we're still American. We came here in the beginning for six to nine months. It was never something really on my mind that we would move here (although, I'll admit to fantasizing and wishing for this to happen many times). But, I don't think we'll ever fully be part of the life here. In some ways, we'll always be observers taking it in, watching from the outside. But, maybe that's OK. We've made great expat friends and just because we won't ever be ever to hold a legitimate Midsommar fest, we can still always have our Halloween parties.

I can't commit to not writing about this in November. I think November will be a critical decision making month for us. Right now, we can't plan for any holidays or even a couple of vacation days this week that the kids are out of school, because we MIGHT need these days for moving over the summer. It's very frustrating, because this definitely affects our day to day life and our day to day decisions. I can only say I honestly have no idea which way we'll go. It's overwhelming and pretty mind boggling. But, I will keep everyone posted.

First Snow

2010-10-29T14:16:00.001+02:00

It's actually the one week anniversary for our first and only snow of the season. I have no idea what happened to the last week, not to mention it's been very moderate and sunny lately and the snow melted the very same afternoon; but regardless, I didn't have the expected dreaded feelings when the first white glistened on the orange leaves. I was actually really excited, bundled up and went on a very long walk in a forest nearly across the street from us. It isn't an exaggeration to say it looked like a magical land from a fairytale. It was one of the most beautiful walks I've ever had.

I think it's quite true that fall is the most contemplative times of the year. Especially in near isolation in the midst of nature. And especially with the right music playlist. Needless to say, there's a lot on our minds right now, and the answers to so many questions aren't going to come from an awe-inspiring and memorable walk, but there is some clarity to what's important to our very existence in the very simplicity of the earth around us. I didn't come home knowing anymore than when I left, but I did come home feeling like everything was going to work out.

Goodbye Fall...you were lovely

2010-10-20T22:41:00.001+02:00

It truly was a beautiful fall. I have no idea what happened, since I feel like summer was only just here. But, we have a forecast of snow for tonight and for the next couple of days, so it's quite possible that we are already entering the next season. I can't say that I have bad feelings for that, however. I'm almost excited to see the first glazing of white on the rooftops. This is easily said from a person that can appreciate this view from the luxury of a sauna. . . but still, it's true. I, the person that was meant for either Costa Rica or Boca Raton, am kinda, maybe shamefully embarrassed that I'm hoping to see the first snow tonight. That said, I'm not necessarily anxious for the next six months of potential snow, but I'm trying to live day by day now, and for the moment, I just wonder what the morning will bring us.

We had a nice evening out with a friend and 30 of his closest friends for his birthday. On the walk the back to our apartment, I just loved the crisp feel of the cool late fall air, accompanied with my cozy fur (faux, I haven't gone too European yet) coat and my knit cap. It was just one of those evenings that Stockholm felt extra special and coming back to my apartment felt extra cozy. I've mentioned times in the past where there were spontaneous moments where it just hits me head on how fortunate we are that we get to have this experience. I never anticipate this emotion, and it never comes at the expected times like the Eiffel tower or the Vatican (although something there too no doubt)...it is just these mundane moments where it hits me that "wow, this is ridiculous." Tonight, it was talking with my best friend here about the funny things our visitors find picture worthy when they come to visit us here. It is just something special to live in a place where there are picture worthy moments or items that we walk by every single day and don't even notice anymore. Talking about that was just another "awed" moment I've had; and made me wonder if I need to walk around and try and see this place in another light and take even more (my husband is internally freaking out right now) pictures.

Other than that, life is pretty much normal. We have a Halloween party in a little over a week and I received my costume in the mail today. We have actually never had a costume party as adults (this is actually kind of embarrassing to admit) so I am very excited. The girls have their fall break in a couple of weeks. I don't think we'll actually travel anywhere, but maybe I can pursued Bryan to take a day or two off for it anyway and we can just enjoy a couple of relaxing days around here.

But, for now, it's already been dark for hours and I feel extremely sleepy, even though it's only 10:30. Not to mention, my cat found a comfy spot beside me and is really distracting me by demanding my undivided attention. She has a tendency to do that, occasionally deciding the most comfortable spot in this apartment is sprawled out across my keyboard. But, that's probably because it's warm, and cats have a sixth sense about things like snow coming in the morning.

It's the weekend, again.

2010-10-16T22:08:00.001+02:00

You may notice that I'm sitting at home on a Saturday night writing this; well, that's because it's entirely too cold to be out tonight. Already, mid-October, the current temperature is below freezing. This morning was the first morning there was frost on the rooftop under our window. This Thursday snow is forecasted. Can it really be that we're on the threshold of winter already?

I don't really have anything very interesting to report right now. Everyone has been busy with work and school. My best friend in the states asked me what I do every day, and it's quite unbelievable that without a job and with the girls in school, I still keep amazingly busy. Every week I vow that will be the week to catch up on scrapbooking or some other hobby I keep hoping to reserve time for, and then magically Friday appears even quicker than the previous one. My daily routines aren't particularly interesting or stimulating, but I don't suffer from a lack of activity. I've also noted when/if I do find a job over here, we'd have to hire someone to fill in for my daily roles, and I bet that person would make more money than I would anyway. Bryan says that if I worked, everyone would have to chip in more--I keep wondering why we have to wait for that :)

It's very strange that I don't have the dreading and anxious feelings of winter I would normally have this time of year. I can't say I'm necessarily looking forward to, but maybe I've been through enough that I am more adequately prepared. Maybe it's also because I now take heed to the conventional wisdom "there's no such thing as bad weather, only bad clothes" and I am fully stocked and ready for the worst. Or, maybe because it's actually been quite sunny, albeit nippy, that I presently feel pretty OK with the impeding winter, and as long as I can just have a couple of good hours of sunlight a day, I'll be OK.

That said, the sunrise today was at 7:27am and the sunset was at 5:42. We lost 11 minutes of light in just two days. 75 minutes since the beginning of the month. (gulp) I probably should not have just looked this up, but we have lost 11 HOURS of light since the longest day of the year in June. 11 HOURS. And, this is nothing yet. We have two months to go until the shortest day of the year and then the very extremely small upswing until we start noticing the progress in early March. This is such a strange way to look at life, to live in life, in very strange cycles of light and dark.

So, it can be cold, snowy, whatever, I don't really care. I just really hope for a November that doesn't top last year's of the smallest amount of sunlight in recorded history, or seventy year blah blah years, I don't really remember that statistic. But, I'll never forget the number:17. Seventeen hours of sunlight in one entire month. We'd normally get that in 3 days in Colorado. Not to mention that frigid days are frequently followed with t-shirt appropriate days. The winter never feels that bad there, because there are so many breaks from it just generously thrown in there.

Well, happy weekend. I think it's safe for me to say that the season has come for me to have cozy weekend nights at home with a movie, a drink and naturally, of course, lots and lots of tea light candles.

Catching up

2010-10-11T15:05:00.001+02:00

Me and Chris Daughty, well kinda :)

I swear we can never complain about a lack of activity in our lives. Just as soon as we are passed one incident or crazy happenstance, something else takes its cue. Last week, the drama in our lives was being yet another victim of theft here. Again. Eighth or maybe twentieth time, I'm not sure. Again, involving my husband's scooter. I guess you might as well throw vandalism in there too, since the theft was miniscule (a single, solitary helmet) compared to the more annoyance of two broken locks and the time now involved in trying to figure out how to fix them. I know people keep saying we just have the worst luck, but I think in fact theft is rampant here. No, I do not worry about my personal safety when I go on walks or am alone, but I think everyone should assume if you have something valuable and you leave it somewhere even remotely accessible, even within a locked storage, building, or container, even if this means on one of the busiest streets in the city on a well lit street, chained to the street lamp as a matter of fact, if there is the remotest possibility there are contents that can be resold, it will be stolen.

This isn't just us. Over the weekend, my husband's office was broken into, breaking through alarmed glass to steal what seems was only one laptop. There are petitions at his work to have cameras in the parking garage, because although it is a security accessible only, enclosed parking garage, there apparently is a place in the chain link fence that is broken, as there have been many thefts along with useless incidences of vandalism, like stealing a tire. Someone else we know had their bicycle stolen over the weekend. One of Emily's friend was sitting on the subway, and as it paused briefly at a stop, someone jumped on the train, grabbed her school bag and ran off. An entire locker room was cleaned out at Emily's school, with a loss in the tens of thousands of krowns. For every irritating and infuriating story we've had, I have ten others from other people. But, this isn't really about that. That was just one more event in a week I thought would be relativity uneventful.

What I had counted on and had prepared for, however, was our exchange student from Poland. She arrived on Wednesday and just left today. She was great. I think this was a great experience, although that isn't too say it wasn't without its own drama. Without getting into a lot of details, we can just say there were many instances which reinforced in Meagan's mind why drinking can be extremely stupid, and why it is something she doesn't care to participate in at this point.

There are definitely times when the cultural differences between here and the states become more transparent. I can just say that in the US, parents do not supply exorbitant amounts of alcohol to their kids and all of their (suddenly many) friends. Not only is this completely socially unacceptable, it is a welcomes invitation to a serious lawsuit. This is also true for the differences between schools. In the states, there would have been much more contact with the families on what to expect on both sides, as well as efforts to coordinate families with appropriate students, and most likely background checks. Not to mention that there would have been evening plans so the kids were not left to their own devices to entertain each another. Some of the events over the last few days would have definitely resulted in infuriated American families at heated and escalated PTA meetings (heck, it was pretty heated one time over a discrepancy in postage bills).

Based on the randomness of picking students and host families by a numbering system, I feel very fortunate we got Nina. But, I should also say that after two nights of pretty extreme partying, they were without any plans on Saturday night and Meagan asked if they could come over to our place. We very reluctantly agreed to an impromptu gathering of nineteen teenagers from both Sweden and Poland, and it went fantastically. And I think this reinforces (I hope) in their minds, that a fun night does not have to involve any alcohol at all, because as much as I want to adapt to the culture, I will not become that Swedishized.

But, I guess my own personal highlight of the week was the Chris Daughtry concert Thursday night. The story behind this was pretty great. We were driving around one day shortly after I got back from the states and I saw a poster for the concert. I got pretty excited and pointed it out to Bryan, and then he said, "What, would you like to go?" And then reached back into the backseat and pulled out two tickets from his backpack. Sometimes life, randomness and coincidences just present the best scripts. That was my movie moment of the month and made the concert even more special. And, the concert was great too. It was at Debaser at Medis, so a smallish venue and a great view of a great view if I can say so :)

Case in point :)

And Bryan and I before we headed out for the night. One thing that I thought was funny about the concert was at one point he said he was singing a lot from his new album and he asked the audience how many people owned his new album, to a rather pathetic round of applause. I told Bryan he should have said "how many of you listen to my album on spotify?" That would have received a much more positive and impressive reaction I think. Americans, I hope you get to know spotify soon. I'm a little slow to truly appreciate the joys of it myself, but I can now confirm I'm as hooked as any Swede. I can also throw in her that Meagan has gotten me completely addicted to "The Office." Two things that most people have known about for years, but I'm finally getting there, and really loving them both.

So, now we entering a new week. Our exchange student should be an hour into her flight back to Warsaw now. We have no trips, concerts, projects, moves, or anything of any sort to either dread or really look forward to. So, I will just leave it to the universe to see what comes our way next, because I have not one doubt that it will be something else again very soon.

Moving forward

2010-10-04T16:46:00.001+02:00

Well, it's now October. Somehow. I have no idea how that happened. It's not just that September somehow disappeared, but we're already several days into October. And I have definitely not kept up with regular blogging. I guess it's fair since the last month was, well, how should I say it, full? eventful? overwhelming?

Just to summarize September in brief, I went to the US, came back to Sweden, had a huge 13th birthday party, tried to wrap my mind around the general concept that my little girl is 13, received the sad news of my grandmother's passing, found out about the office closing in Boulder, somewhere in here Bryan and I had a weekend trip to the Netherlands, and I am now currently on my second cold within one month's time. So, a lot has been going on, a lot to think about, a lot to plan for, a lot to prepare for and a lot to reflect on.

But, what I can say for now, for today, is that I need to mentally move forward in the way I was three weeks ago. That is, to continue to look at this time as our last year here. While we've done many activities in the last couple of weeks as a family (Skansen's fall festival--which is fantastic by the way, and Gröna Lund last weekend) Meagan and I discussed that is strange to not know if it is the last time at these beloved places, or just another time with all of the traditions of many more falls to come. I really feel that for myself, I need to continue thinking of things as the last. It will be better for me to feel like I truly valued and cherished these little memories as the last instead of in the future wishing I'd thought more about it at the time. Protection from feeling like I took it for granted. I guess it's all preparation for closure. No, I have no idea if it will really be closure, but if it is, I need to have taken the steps to prepare for it as though it were.

I realize the following statement might be futile (kind of like the proclamation of a daily blog), but I will not write about the "will we stay/will we move back" for the month of October. Right now, there is no point. We don't know, and judging by Bryan's expressions when I bring this topic up, I'm getting fairly tedious and redundant with all of my analyses of the potential paths, outcomes and various steps we need to take for all of the above. So, unless there are any intriguing developments in the next few weeks, I'll have an update on our feelings in November.

Wow, November. Saying that just seems ridiculous. November is the beginning of the end. I heard the other night that this is supposed to be the worst winter in one thousand years (Ok, ok, I know I said no more, but one more thing...if that's true, we're going to California!) One thousand years. That would mean, worse than last winter. A worse winter than last winter, consecutively. When I heard this, I said "What?! I don't think I can do that again!" And everyone laughed. But I wasn't joking.

But, we have some exciting things in October that I'm focusing on now instead. We have an exchange student from Poland coming for several days later this week. I have a concert Bryan surprised me with tickets to on Thursday. We plan to have a Halloween Party and our first fest here at the new apartment at the end of the month. I have so many projects I am trying to get done, one of which is organizing photos, especially of the last month so I hope to have pictures of what we've been up to on here soon. But for now, it's a beautiful, sunny, crisp, colorful fall day here in Stockholm, the kind of day that makes me feel like I could live here forever (ok, seriously, last time, for real).

At the moment...

2010-09-27T15:39:00.001+02:00

I am freaking out. Ok, I seriously believe in all the idealistic "it'll all work out for the best" of my last post, but the problem is, the whole in between stage. I think I handled this news pretty well up until a day or two ago, and then all the millions of questions started to fester to the point of mental panic. I realize it is too soon to really know anything and too soon to really plan anyway, not to mention no one really knows what their future holds; but the problem I have is that we had a default of moving back to Colorado in July. Now I have no default. I have no idea. I have no idea even which continent we'll be in. This freaks me out.

And I go back and forth (multiple times a day) on my preferences for hope. I mean, this city is gorgeous. It really is. Yet, we're approaching winter, and I don't think I need to reiterate my feelings of that seemingly endless season here. Can I really deal with Swedish winters, winter after winter after winter? But then I think about Europe in general. We are within so many different and diverse countries in a few hours flight time. In Colorado, flying two hours, we can go to Phoenix or Las Vegas, and I suppose Laramie. But then I think we've already seen so much, living here for what will be a total of four year. We're definitely not hurting for any European travel experiences. But then I think that's completely ridiculous. How many people in the states right now are in similar situations of downsizing that are trying to find an abroad job? Where stability is honestly better here. Where the housing market is still good. Where the country isn't running on a massive deficit. Where our kids love school. Where college is provided.

But I guess it's not just the potential life of "semi"(?) permanence in Sweden that freaks me out. It's probably more the reality that everything I believed to be our future (going back to Colorado) is probably the least likely scenario right now. My husband would like to stay with the same company, and for many very good reasons. This means, California or Sweden most likely. It's just so strange. One week ago, I was looking at real estate for the hundredth time fantasizing about what neighborhood we will go back to. I was mentally packing all the time. All the time, thinking of what things we'll sell, what things we'll take. We were researching high schools and researching mortgages. Now, we're thinking about setting up an appointment with a bank here to find out more about mortgages. It is just so strange, the thought of us actually buying an apartment and actually "moving" to Sweden. For real.

Then, sometimes, San Jose seems like a better option. First of all, the weather is fantastic. If this decision were solely based on a comparison of January weather/sun exposure, this would be a no-brainer. Meagan could have one American year of high school. You know, prom, driving, football games...We would be back to our favorite restaurants and shopping. It would be much more logical to have our dog. I could finally take up wakeboarding (ha, but it would be far more conducive to my convertible). We would have a whole new area to explore. I could finally start doing things in my life, pursuing my dreams, instead of living in a state like where I am now, which is putting so much on 'temporary' hold (nine months, then one more year, then one more year, then one more year...)

The thing is, we don't know much, or enough right now, and I don't know when there will be enough information to feel like we're at a stage to make a decision. There are two phrases I hate (which my husband can attest to): "We'll have to wait and see" or "Let's talk about it later." Maybe it's fairly evident: Ok, I confess, I am a planner. No intervention necessary. The only thing I really know is, the office in Colorado is closing. I guess the other thing I know is we have the option to stay here. And with those two pieces of information, I'm left at the brink of my most dreaded time of year with no real indication of what the next summer will hold.

careful what you wish for

2010-09-23T00:07:00.001+02:00

I've had this situation several times now. I go to the US, have a perfectly fine time there but still see things differently, feel differently, feel foreign, feel disconnected, feel more acutely aware of issues, economy, obesity, stress, overindulgence; and then come back to this relaxed and beautiful city and just re-appreciate it in a freshened since. And then I have this period of time where I feel convinced this is really the place for me, and I then I have several days where I'm conflicted between the feelings of desperation to somehow stay here and the knowledge we really can't stay here.

And then there's the dance floor. I'm not sure I can accurately describe this feeling, and maybe someone else that's an expat living here might know what I mean. Because a Swede can't know what I mean, or that would completely defeat the feeling I feel. It's such a unique and special place. It's not like any other club, dance atmosphere I've ever experienced anywhere else in the world. We were at a club the other night and I told Bryan I fall in love with Sweden on the dance floor, each and every single time. It's such a genuine place. Swedes are so endearing here. They are so innocent in a way. So sincere. So themselves. They are just there, no pretentions, for a good time. No hidden agendas in hooking up with girls. Guys huddle around in a circle and clap to the music (sort of resembling a European hoe down), wearing their horn rimmed glasses, jeans a little too tight, and brightly patterned scarves. Girls buy themselves drinks. It's in those moments of pulsating music and gorgeous people, I think that I can't possibly leave Europe. Just can't imagine it.

So, the timing was almost scripted yesterday when I was explaining this to a dear friend of mine that recently moved back to the US and I get a phone call from my husband. He never calls in the day. That was weird. Then the phone call was followed by a text that said to call back immediately. That's clearly not good. Clearly. When I called a few minutes later, he had the following news:

http://www.dailycamera.com/news/ci_16135678

His office in Boulder is essentially closing. This is such a shock I'm not even sure how to process it at the moment. He has worked here for twelve years and every plan we had for our future was to return to this office next summer, find a new home in this area, find schools for our girls, and reestablish ourselves in Colorado. At this moment, at the end of September 2010, I can say I have zero idea what we'll be doing in nine months, or even what continent we'll be doing it in.

First of all, I have to say this: yeah, it sucks that we don't have the feeling of 'job security' (I use that term very loosely in the current economy) now, but the thing that is worse, is Bryan truly loved his job there. It was a great office environment with great coworkers. And, one thing now, he will have no real sense of closure. Over the next six months, people will move on with their lives in whatever sense it will be for them, and we will be here, not having the chance to say goodbye and see what happens. There will be no last walk around the corridors or partaking in one of the last Friday evening happy hour outings.

So, I don't really know what more to say for now. I guess I can offer a few thoughts that tie into my first couple of paragraphs: it's an option for us to stay here. And now that it is truly a choice we might have to make, I'm back to conflicted. It's one thing to come to Sweden for the really cool experience, and it's another thing to decide it might be a bit longer than for said cool experience.

I don't really offer much for my personal feelings of faith here. My feelings are very personal and I tend to want to keep my personal feelings separated from my blog feelings. But, I will say this now: so far in my life, everything has worked out for a reason. There have been some absurd or even terrible situations that seemed to make no sense at all, but later, even years later, I got it. "Oh, this is why that happened." or "If that wouldn't have happened, this other amazing thing wouldn't have either." And I believe that now more than ever. At the moment, everything is OK. At this moment, right now, we have a good job, beautiful apartment, happy children, good health...I believe we are in Sweden for a reason. This was never anything I thought would happen in my life, and because of this, my children have grown and experienced amazing things, especially in their international and global appreciation, my husband and I have grown together, and I have met the best friends I've ever had. I believe this now more than ever. I believe the answers to all of my current questions will resolve themselves with time. And that my family will continue to flourish and grow together, whether it be here, or wherever it shall be.

Sad news

2010-09-20T23:25:00.001+02:00

Since I wrote about my visit to the US and my reason for my visit a few weeks ago, I am very sad now to report that on September 17, my grandmother passed away. I feel very blessed that I was able to go back to the states when I did, to leave the very next morning after I found out about her health's rapid decline, to have five afternoons with them at the nursing home, and especially to have the last evening we had while I was there when she felt much better, had her hair fixed, took a picture with me and talked to me about my beagle. It's of course very sad, for my granddad especially, but I feel very much at peace that she is in a much better place now and that she is no longer in pain.

This is one hard part about living abroad, the being away from family during these times. I've lost both of my grandmas since we've lived here. Loss is always difficult, no doubt about that, but it's just one more thing about life here, where we sort of inadvertently, subconsciously think we'll just go back "home" again at the end of this journey. The thing is, it's just a place, not a home anymore. Everything has changed, and I think the reality of these losses will really hit me more when we're back. It's like the knowledge is there and the grief is there, but the reality won't really sink in until I feel that emptiness at a holiday table and actually visit their gravesites (which I haven't had the courage yet to do when I've been back for my grandma that passed away last May).

My grandmother loved animals. That is what I'll always remember about her. I remember being a little girl and no one really believing me that they had a pet crow, among several other pet cats and dogs. Seriously, crows are extremely intelligent pets. I'm sure this partially why I have such an affinity and a heart for the birds I feed on our balcony. Also, when I was three, my grandma (dad's mother, the grandma that passed away last May), gave me a cocker spaniel as a surprise (much to my parent's dismay) for Christmas. After a few months of the challenges of a puppy and a toddler, the dog went to 'visit grandmother' for the weekend...He lived his happy seventeen year life out at my grandmother's house. My grandmother would also always go to the butcher and get a piece of liver and bring it to my cat when she came to visit while I was growing up. She was just always so loving and thoughtful and considerate to animals, and it still stands out to me as a memory that she thought about my cat.

Again, I just feel so grateful I had an opportunity to say goodbye. Of course, the whole time I was there, I hoped it wasn't. There were a couple of good days where I had hope she could get better, but at the same time, knowing it was goodbye. I am so, so happy she had that good day. I am so happy I was able to hug her and see her smile and tell her I loved her. I will always hold in my heart that last visit and remember the tears in my eyes while I walked out the room while my grandmother lay in my granddad's arms in his bed.

Customer Service

2010-09-14T16:57:00.001+02:00

Yes, this is just another blog post from an expat in Sweden complaining about the customer service (or lack there of) here. There are many posts about the inability to get one's bill at a restaurant or the stoic workers at H & M . I remember when we bought my husband's scooter and it was if we had to plea with them to actually let us buy it. We went back to the store three times in this process. The first time, they were closing in an hour and warned us he didn't really have the proper time to help us(and by closing, this means walking out the door of a place that has already been tidied and prepped for the next day at 5pm), and the person that he thought would know most about scooters wasn't there. We got his cell phone number, which he never answered. Nor did anyone answer the phone at the store, ever. Definitely not the mentality of "what can we do to get you in this car tonight?"

On August 30, our internet provider changed out all the boxes on our street, and from that point on, we've had no internet connection. About one week ago, we finally had someone come to take a look, with a strict two hour window to fix it in--he wasn't able to fix it in two hours, so we were put in a notorious Svenska queue until it's our turn to have someone try again. Another week has gone by, and we still haven't heard where we stand in this queue. Not to mention, this doesn't necessarily mean it can be fixed in the next two hour window of opportunity. Then another queue. Possibly another long wait. Then another queue.

We've tried calling the internet/cable provider multiple times since then. Each time, someone needs to research with another department and they will call us back...yet never do. This is particularly frustrating because the opposite would never stand: meaning, we couldn't just not pay the bill for fifteen plus days and expect to have a service. They would obviously turn it off in this time. And it's not just about the lack of internet, which is also a lack of phone for us since we use vonage; it's also just the feeling that no one really seems to care. There is nobody assuring us that they care about our business, or that we'll have a discount from the time with no service, or that someone will actually just return a phone call, or to just assure us they will fix it as soon as possible. It's like a strange backwards system where instead of companies working to get customers, it seems the consumer has to work in order to actually have a service from a business.

But, you may have noticed I blogged, which means I must have internet...in the mean time, we are using a mobile broadband device thingy, which is alright. We can buy weekly packages like the phone cards here, so although it's not the same (and obviously doesn't help with our vonage) and it's going to start adding up here before long, it's a temporary solution. At least I hope it's a temporary solution. So look at us Americans beating the Swedish system, or kind of.

a weekend of festivities

2010-09-14T00:20:00.001+02:00

Well we officially survived the 13th birthday party weekend. The first friend arrived at 2pm on Saturday and last girl left at 6pm on Sunday--over twenty four hours of partying! There were twenty kids over for the party, and fourteen girls slept over. Needless to say, a house with 2o teenagers is a crazy place to be in--but, the other way to look at it is a crazy house is a fun place to be in. And I think they all had a very good time so it really was worth it. Not to mention nothing was broken, nobody was hurt, and they turned the music down and let us get to sleep at around 1am and we didn't hear from them again until they were ready for breakfast at 10.

Emily is holding her birthday cake, which was our attempt at making a narwhal cake. She loves narwhals and we thought it would be fun to try to make one. Naturally, there were no directions on the internet for narwhal cake patterns, so we did our best. Since it may not be obvious what a narwhal even looks like (and I even asked at one point if they are real or mystical creatures) here is a picture:

Emily loved her cake and her friends all thought it was the cutest cake they'd ever seen. It was also delicious, being that it was from an American cake mix, funfetti at that, and made with American icing, which explains why the narwhal is pink.

Tour of our new place

2010-09-10T17:53:00.001+02:00

Wow, now that I'm finally back, over jetlag, somewhat over my sickness, have a relatively decent temporary solution to our broken internet and feel like my life is slowly floating back down to some sense of normalcy, I can now offer a little tour of our new home:

Living room number one. One thing that I love about this apartment is that they actually painted the walls with color! And it's also newly remodeled, so it has a feel of an older building with a very contemporary and modern feel.

another perspective

views of the university KTH and the street Valhallavägen from our living room. (the other night they had a fireworks display there, and I watched this from our sauna, which is something I'm sure I'll never say again in my life).

Meagan's room. The owners are a couple with no kids, classic fit for the acronym DINK (dual incomes, no kids), and they used this room as a library, which actually worked out quite nicely because they left that gigantic shelf that Meagan had no problem finding many good uses for.

Bathroom number one, which has really become the girls bathroom. This is really nice because we had two bathrooms in our place, but the shower wasn't really that conducive for real use, so we ended up all primarily sharing our big one. So, now we legitimately have two bathrooms.

Dining area, which is part of an open plan to the kitchen. Right behind where I'm taking this picture is the kitchen island.

Our kitchen, with a view of the very scary (yet cool and modern looking) stairs. One thing that was exciting (Ok, I'm not going to lie, to Bryan, I don't really care about these things) was the induction stovetop. I have to admit it's very easy to clean though. And, to put into perspective how tall these cabinets are, I can reach only the first two shelves. The top shelf must be ten feet from the ground. It's nice to have that much storage, but come on!

The black refrigerator in the corner is actually a wine cooler. When we viewed this apartment, there had to be over one hundred bottles of wine in there. We, on the other hand, have filled it with soda, beer and drink mixers--I'm sure they would be horrified to know this. Another classic example of the well deserved acronym DINK: the wine refrigerator is ginormous, but the freezer consists of two tiny little drawers, not even enough room for a frozen pizza. Go figure.

view from the dining area. There is a community courtyard right below this.

Emily's room. This room was their office and has a wall of floor-to-ceiling storage cabinets, which was much needed since there isn't a lot of storage here.

Looking up the stairs. They are very cool looking I must admit, but I'm fairly sure I will end up in the cityakuten at some point because of them.

Looking down the stairs. This is a perspective I hope not to have in a flash of knowing it's too late someday.

Our upstairs living room, including my cozy little scrapbooking corner (which I utilized for the first time today and it was great with the light coming in the window). That is also fireplace in the corner, although we were still unpacking a bit at this point so it has boxes on it.

Standing near our balcony looking towards our bedroom and bathroom door.

Our bedroom. It's really pretty similar to our last bedroom since it's in an attic and has exposed beams and the same style of slanted ceiling, but maybe not as extreme as slants as the last one.

And, last but not least, our bathroom complete with a sauna I will shamelessly admit to using at least once a day since we've been here. I guess I made it pretty clear I wasn't thrilled we had to move, but this feature has helped the adjustment process. Seriously, once you live a life with a sauna, I don't know how you go back :) I even did a search for housing in Colorado with the keyword of "sauna" and surprisingly, found they do exist...not a lot, but maybe we can find one...fingers crossed.

Another thing that was so great was that the owners left their BBQ grill (which I should add they purchased while they were on assignment in TEXAS!), their outdoor heater, and their outdoor furniture. So, we had a couple of our closest friends over for a BBQ as soon we were relatively unpacked.

And, just for fun, I just thought this was really funny. One day, on the second day of the moving process actually, we went back to the old apartment to get yet another load of boxes, and we came home to this:

The girls built an "epic fort" in the few hours we were gone, which consisted of two separate tunnels that lead in to one big area. They took pillows, blankets, snacks and their computers back there and had an awesome time. I wanted to get in the fort with them, but was told the fort "was only built for two." oh well. And, I should add that Meagan actually spent the night in there before she tore it down--or most of it. She told me I wouldn't believe how hot a fort actually gets.

Happy 13th Birthday Emily!

2010-09-09T23:37:00.001+02:00

Oh boy, I guess this makes it official: I am the mom of teenage girls now! I remember a saying when the girls were little that girls are easier than boys when they're toddlers, but watch out when they're teenagers. I guess I couldn't disagree more. Of course I haven't had boys to compare them to, but both girls have been nothing but complete pleasures their whole childhoods, and each phase I swear I love more than the last.

That's true for you too Emily. You are a fantastic girl and I have really loved watching you grow up so much while we've lived in Sweden. It's hard to believe you were only nine years old when we moved here! You have really matured and come into your own over this time. I am very excited to see all of your adventures as a teenager now, especially the next year as your last one here.

I say this every night, and at this point it's become such a ritual, but it's so true: you're a good kid Emily. You are a good friend. You are poised and polite. You are honest, with yourself and with others. People go to you as a confidant and for advice because you are both mature and trustworthy. Sometimes you take me aback with your wit, intellect and especially your wisdom. You know a lot about the world and how people think and what small actions could make everything better.

When you were only about two, we were at a McDonalds and you needed some more ketchup, but you didn't ask me to help you: you went right up to the counter and politely asked for more yourself. It was at that moment that I was genuinely impressed with your ability to handle life, and I knew then that you were going to be just fine in the world. And you've proven your resourcefulness and intelligence in problem solving many, many times since then. When you were little and your first phrase was "I can doooo it" you meant it. You can. You are a very independent person, always have been, and I know you will not only make intelligent choices in your lifetime, but the right choices for you.

So, I wish you a happy 13th birthday and a happy beginning to your teenage years. You have made me a very proud mom and a mom that not only loves you very much, but trusts you and feels confident you will choose the right paths in life. Happy happy 13th birthday!!

Back in Stockholm (insert big smile here)

2010-09-08T22:49:00.001+02:00

August was just not a month that I could keep up the daily blogging goals I set for myself. I can confidently and definitely say I'm glad that month is over, even though it was the last hope of summer and the beginning of the dwindling of sunshine. But that's ok. That was a crazy month and one that I hope is the last crazy month for a while. I hope it was the last of a lot of things.

I hope that was the last move we make within this city. I am fairly certain it was. I hope that was the last alone trip I will make to the states. Again, fairly certain of this too. I hope that was the last month I go without internet for nearly a week. No certainty on this at all.

But, all that said, going to the US did one thing for sure: make me really appreciate my life here in Stockholm. It's not to say that I had a bad experience there at all, it was just a heavy and tiring trip in general, one in which I caught a sickness like I always do, every single time I travel to the states, and like I've said before, there is nothing like a brief separation from one's husband or kids to really value the time with them again. Still, it was difficult to see grandparents that are in the last stage of their lives, it was difficult to see friends going through tough times, and it was kind of tough to be in an area that is strangely familiar, but disconcertingly so foreign. . . and to feel disconnected from some place that I was once a part of.

And the whole time I was there, I tried to visualize our family back there permanently, but it wasn't working. It's strange because I'm always afraid I'll wake up and wish we could be back here, and that this whole experience won't feel real, or that the memories (or the language) will fade quickly in the hustle and bustle of the hectic American lifestyle. So, I was very grateful that I got one last flight here, one last entry into the very calm and collected Arlanda airport, one last relieved deep breath to be back in the car driving back to our home here, one final experience to put into perspective how quickly the next nine months will go and to cherish it before it really is a lovely memory.

Sixtyfive years

2010-08-29T05:48:00.003+02:00

Today was a much improved day for my grandmother. She walked (with a little assistance) for the first time since I've been back to have dinner in my grandfather's room, and was able to eat quite a lot more than I've seen her eat so far. She was responsive and smiled and interacted with everyone. She does not have a lot of energy and becomes tired quite easily, but after tonight, I had hope that she could regain some strength and could recover. I was very glad I was able to see her tonight in this condition. She still seems so sick and so frail, but I was able to sit next to her and take a picture with her and tell her about seeing Woody again, which she seemed to enjoy hearing about.

What touched me the most, though, was at the end of their meals, my granddad suggested they lay together in his bed and he had his arm around her while he cuddled with her very gently, and said that what they both needed was some companionship. It was so sweet to see his love for her as she fell asleep beside him. I really hope that if I reach this stage in my life, if my husband and I are lucky enough to also be married for 65 years, that when I'm sick and weak, we will be able to lay together in the same nursing home bed and share 'companionship.'

My granddad

2010-08-27T05:08:00.002+02:00

Before I tell a bit about my new hero of the day, I will give a brief update about my grandmother. I thought today she seemed better than the last two. She was sitting up eating dinner at a table with the other nursing home patients when we arrived. She is still only eating a few bites and drinking only sips, but she was responsive and seemed in relatively good spirits. She still got tired very quickly and went back to bed at about 6:30pm. Still, it seemed like the potential starting point for maybe feeling a bit better. It is always encouraging to see someone taking small steps towards improvement. Of course, I have no idea what will happen, but I just want to see her comfortable and happy.

A couple of months ago it seemed as though my granddad (her husband--married 65 years I should add) was not going to recover from congenital heart disease. We got a very dire prognosis that he would make it only a couple of days. Yet he is just astounding in his current health, and especially in his attitude. It has been really touching and motivating to observe him and hear the stories of his nursing home antics since I've been back.

First of all, he is 89 years old, but I swear has the energy and goals of someone 30 years younger. He can't walk very far on his own, so he has an electric cart he gets around in. He has decided life in the nursing home is not going to stop him from accomplishing any of the many items on his personal to do list, and has taken to leaving the nursing home and driving his little cart around the town (in the lane of traffic as though he were an actual car...in his hospital pajamas). On the first day, the nursing home received over 40 calls reporting spotting him driving his electric cart throughout the town. The amount of phone calls reporting an escapee nursing home patient have diminished now that everyone has realized this is just a morning ritual.

He has a garage several blocks away, and had the idea he should rearrange it and "get it in order." Since he can't really walk or definitely can't lift things, he had the revolutionary (and in my opinion ingenious) idea that if he tied a chain around whatever he needed to move in his shop, and then tied it to the back of his motorized cart, he can pull or drag it wherever in the shop he wants it.

Recently, he was out exploring the town and came across an abandoned house with a peach tree. So,since he can't reach very far and certainly can't climb a ladder, he found a long pole and was, in his words "worming down the peaches with his pole" and bringing them back to the nursing home in the basket of his cart to share with everyone. Every evening he sends us home with more of his treasured peaches. The thought of those peaches in that abandoned house going to waste are more than he can tolerate.

I have really watched his ambitious attitude with such admiration. I think at that stage of one's life, it is so easy and natural to become complacent and settle for a day of television with the occasional highlight of a meal in bed. Heck, I think winter in Sweden is enough for me. He has so many plans and things he needs to accomplish, that two lifetimes aren't enough time for everything in his mind...and by no means are a few little medical conditions going to slow him down. And, he said he hasn't even turned his tv on once since he arrived several months ago to the nursing home. I have just thought so much about him and feel like I can take so much of his attitude with me to a place and (especially) a season that actually draws some distinctive parallels to a nursing home life. It's been really special to learn from and admire my granddad, as an adult. I just really think he is an extraordinary man.

Colorado

2010-08-26T05:38:00.003+02:00

So, it's been a while since I've blogged but it has just been so incredibly busy lately with moving, school starting, settling. If I recall, it's been about a week, and man, did I never guess I'd be sitting in Colorado to do the next post. How quickly life changes. I made a decision to fly back because my grandmother is very ill, and I actually left the next day after I decided to come. These are not the best circumstances to be back in Colorado, but there are parts about being back that are still nice.

I'm not sure what will happen, or when. It's very sad to see someone you love in the last days of their lives. It's very sad to see someone tired, miserable and hopeless, and just quite frankly ready to move on. I do feel very appreciative of the fact I am here now. I'm not exactly sure how to think or feel now, because we never want to let go of our loved ones, but yet you just want them to know peace and comfort too.

It's also difficult to be away from my family right now. It's probably true for everyone that in moments like this, it becomes more clear how important your husband and children are. I know that it never fails when I'm sad or need support, my husband and girls are my support system. They are really and truly my life, and as much as I'm glad I get to be here right now at this time I wish they were also here, and I am already very much looking forward to going home.

On another note, I get to see my dog while I'm here. He was just so ecstatically happy when I walked in the door last night that he had the mixed emotions of not being sure he could believe his own eyes, while not being able to contain his joy. He layed on my chest this evening with his nose on my chin looking up into my eyes and he had this look of adoration and fulfillment. The next hard part about this trip will be leaving, when I know walking out of the door will break both of our hearts just a little bit. It's really too bad he doesn't fully understand we are coming back for him, all of his, his whole pack, and that ten months really isn't that long.

I also feel a little sick, which happens to me every single time I come back to the states. I honestly think we are so used to natural, no-preservative food, that is just takes a toll on my body to go back to good ol' American processed food. I've even tried to take it easy this time, but I still feel like I have a mild case of food poisoning. I also have a serious case of jetlag, although in my own defense, it is 10pm and I am still somehow awake, despite the fact that I woke up just completely wide awake this morning at 4.

I'm not sure what the next week has in store for me, so I'm not sure how frequent the updates will be. But we did accomplish taking pictures of the completed apartment last weekend, and I'm hoping my husband will do a blog post for me from my computer in Sweden that has all of the pictures on it. I'm also really hoping the apartment looks similar to as it did when we took the pictures when I get back (not so subtle hint). But for now, I'm back in my childhood home in Colorado.

Ten and a half months...and moving on.

2010-08-17T22:49:00.003+02:00

Tonight, after one more time of ordering in Swedish only to have what I said repeated back to me in English, I sat there for a few minutes and thought a lot about how I was so much happier here in my day to life before I knew a word of Swedish. I seriously was. I didn't have this personal pressure to practice, try out what I know, do my civic duty to this society by speaking their language, even though I can articulate my thoughts with about the same depth as a toddler...I didn't feel frustrated at not thinking of words fast enough, or realizing what I just said was actually the wrong verb tense, or feeling what I can only describe as stage fright when I respond, or being a source of amusement to my family in the "endearing" things I say, or feeling embarrassed or even ashamed when someone responds to my Swedish in English.

Before, I was comfortable with myself. I was a foreigner and I didn't speak the language here, but that was ok. Nobody ever minded. Not one time did anyone give me a hard time about that. In fact, I was apologized to so many times for assuming I spoke Swedish (which is ridiculous of course, to feel the need to apologize), "Oh but you look soooo Swedish." I had many more conversations with strangers when I didn't speak Swedish. So many times, this would prompt questions like "Where are you from? Do you like living here? Where do you live now? What do you think of Sweden? Do you like Sweden more or Colorado?" I felt like I could convey my thoughts, questions, observations in an intelligent and articulate way, in a way that represents the intelligent and articulate person that I believe I am.

That is why I have decided I am speaking English now for the remainder of my time here. I apologize to any Swede reading this that might be offended by my possible lack of effort in your language-- a beautiful sounding language I should add. Please know, it is not that. I have seriously, seriously tried. I took classes for 6 months, 4 days a week, 5 hours a day, and then had a private instructor for several more after that. And, it's not giving up, so to speak, either. I can understand a lot. I understand a lot more than most people think I do, that's for sure. I mean, I wish I were fluent. Maybe it's just an excuse, I don't know, but my whole family speaks English, my friends speak English...I seriously have only a few opportunities to even attempt it in a given week. I just have come to a point where I only have so much time left here, and I don't want my last year to be a frustrating and discouraging one. I just don't feel like I can truly be myself or be confident or be happy here like that when I'm able to communicate best in a language I am completely fluent in. In a language we are all, everyone here, completely fluent in.

Things are looking up

2010-08-16T00:17:00.001+02:00

I think I can safely say we are past the worst of the moving drama. We're nearly completely unpacked and almost everything has a 'home'--I'm kind of a compulsive organizer and repeatedly mention the ideals of everything having a 'home." I can now successfully manage my way around in the dark and find light switches and remember where little edges are in doorways...not to mention not needing to strategically maneuver throughout a maze of stacked boxes.

I'd say by the end of the week we can say we are "done." I mean, take that for what it's worth. In a move like this where we are only here for less than a year, I won't do all the things I'd do if I were staying longer. There are pictures I won't even bother hanging or boxes that will just remain packed until later. But, it will be done in a sense of feeling just homey enough for now, and done in the sense that it's something I can live with. That said, we were still able to find a great deal on a couch, two chairs and a rug for our second living room, with the added plus that this guy came from Colorado also (when we finally got to his place, he told my husband we could just take it in English since he could tell we were from the states too) and he has an aunt and uncle that are professors at UNC where I graduated from---small world. So, even though we don't intend to go to nuts decorating or adding, we will do OK under the circumstances of knowing what we buy now we will have resell again very soon.

Also, the weather has been incredible. Yesterday it was in the mid 80s. That's unprecedented for this time of the year. Just a little bonus summer I think. Friday night was the perfect evening temperature for our first BBQ with a couple of friends on the balcony (also great the owners left their patio furniture, outdoor heater and GRILL they purchased in TEXAS). Saturday was our (most likely) last scooter and beach day at two of our favorite spots. Oh, and Saturday night both girls had plans so we had this beautiful place to ourselves--with steak dinners and a bottle of wine.

Oh, and in the middle of our crazy move, we heard that their was a lot of solar activity and that the northern lights were actually visible from Stockholm. I can not believe we did this, but after being up at 6am and having movers at our place all day, all while knowing we had to be at our apartment again with movers at 8am then next day, we still got in our car at about 11pm and drove 30 minutes outside of Stockholm, and were able to see the aurora borealis. So, since we've been here, I've now officially seen moose, the royal family and the northern lights...I think this just leaves seeing someone from ABBA, and I can officially say I saw Sweden.

I was also ridiculously excited to see that the first Ikea in Colorado officially broke ground. They announced it to be built in 2008, so it's been quite delayed, but the good news is, it is definitely coming, and just in time for us: fall 2011. Without this Ikea, I have no idea what I'd do for a Swedish fix every now and again--I guess drive to Salt Lake City. I also loved Ikea very much before we even came to Sweden, so now I can feel even more at peace about not being able to take all of our purchases (especially organizational tools) back with us, since we can rebuy them once we get there. I must all say, I really love the Ikea kitchen model. I really think we will have to redo whatever kitchen we get to turn it into a Swedish layout. It just makes so much more sense.

So, soon, I will post pictures of our apartment. It helped me a lot to have dinner plans on Friday to motivate me to get the rest of the unpacking done, so if I have a goal to have pictures up here by the weekend, I should probably be able to finish up this week. In the meantime, imagine large glass doors, two wooden benches, a lot of steam, and a view of a beautiful Swedish university. Because this is the room I have a feeling I'll be spending the winter in.

Drama of the Day

2010-08-10T23:50:00.001+02:00

It just never fails. One stressful and time consuming event at a time is just never enough. Today, the newest thing was a phone call to my daughter from a man that found our various cell numbers online and was trying them one at a time until he reached my husband, to inform us that there was flooding at our old apartment and that it was flooding into the unit below us and he was standing at our doorstep there trying to get in. Since we haven't been there in several days, and since we knew we certainly didn't have any water running there, we had no idea what had happened.

The good news, however, is that maybe there was some confusion in the Swedish man's use of the word "flood" because it wasn't truly a flood. Not in the sense I think of in the word flood. There was some standing water on the balcony (from what I can only guess were the last couple of insane rainstorms we've had) and apparently some dripping water and yellowing in the ceiling in the unit below since there seems to be no drain on the balcony and it must have a leak somewhere. I suppose this is one of those times where I am actually relieved we do not have to be around to deal with whatever repairs will be necessary to both the balcony and the ceiling below, or even not being there today while some random people were there pumping out water.

Anyway, slowly but surely things are working themselves out. At least this is not as bad as it sounded on the phone, and it was clearly not because of any fault of ours. We now have the papers to fill out to claim the damages to the mattress. We have a friend coming tomorrow to pick up many of the boxes and I think we are one step closer to actually having the moving company arranged to pick up the rest. We are 75% done unpacking, with remaining jobs of hanging things on the walls and organizing my clothes. We found a very beloved craft Emily made that I was terrified was lost in this process. We found my passport, which was MIA because we sent it in for new pages and then moved in the meantime, meaning in that few day period of moving, the note to pick it up at the Tobacco shop (yeah, that's how we pick up packages here) never arrived to us and was not going to get to us now that we have a new address and we had to kind of beg the guy at the Tobacco shop to look for it. Long story, but I have it. And that was a very stressful thing the last few days, not knowing where my passport actually was. So, I feel myself starting to slowly decompress and am starting to feel like everything will eventually work itself out. I will shamelessly admit that I think some type of little weekender away from Stockholm is in order in the near future, or in the very least, I have got to go do some shopping this weekend.

Moving Sucks!

2010-08-08T22:35:00.002+02:00

This is just a short post to document the middle of an extremely stressful time in my life. I think the title fairly well sums up my feelings at the moment. I really should get into the details of why I hate moving, but I'm too exhausted to really go there. Basically, we have about 40 boxes remaining in various levels of unpackedness, and I realize that's not a word, but let's just assume it is for today. We are what I would say is 98% done with the cleaning/random repairs in the last apartment, and maybe 40% done with whatever set up in the current one.

And, as nice as the new apartment is, if on the day the moving guys were standing in my apartment, even after seeing all the cool perks of the new apartment, and someone called and said "Oh you can stay if you like" we would have stayed. This is just a lot to go through considering we have to pack up again in 11 months to go back to the states and unpack once again and resettle just 2 months after that.

The perks I need to remind myself of often:

We have our own, very nice, personal sauna in this apartment. The sauna itself is probably as large as one of our last bathrooms. Yes, I have used it a lot in the last few days of moving.

We are on the same block as a very convenient subway stop.

We are only 10 minutes away by subway to our old neighborhood.

We have two living rooms in this apartment, and it is actually a two floor apartment. As a matter of fact, this apartment is actually larger than our home in Colorado. This is a very, very nice apartment. I've done nothing in my life worth the chance to live for one year in a place like this. I will never live in a place like this again in my life I'm quite certain.

The downsides, in brief:

We were over the "paid by my husband's company" allotted move amount by about 11 cubic meters, or the size of an entire truck. As the man said that gave the estimate "Of course you are over the budget. What they are giving you is the amount of a 2 bedroom. And you live in a three bedroom and have a family of four." This is the same size we were given when moving abroad. I guess they assumed in 2 years time no one in a 4 person family purchased a thing or that the movers packed with the same accuracy as the abroad movers. Let me just say this: They didn't! I opened one box that was curiously light to discover it had only one metal trashcan in it.

We had to rent our own truck and spend a day moving approximately 1/3 of our possessions ourselves. The alternative was to pay 8,000kr for the movers to do it, or about $1100. Yeah right. I'm so sure. I wish they'd pay me back that amount of money for the work I did. Or that I could share that with my good friend Nick that came and helped us out.

The movers were nowhere in the world worth the budget my husband's company paid for them. The amount this company received was 30,000kr, or $4240, to move the equivalent of a 2bedroom apartment about 4 kilometers across one city. Apartment to apartment. Two guys packing one day for about 5 hours and three guys "moving" (I use this term lightly because their goal was clearly to squeeze whatever in an elevator, no matter what it took to avoid any physical labor, and to have as many cigarette breaks as possible) the next day for about 6 hours. I wish someone could verify for me that this contract they have with one another is ridiculous. On top of the trashcan packed in it's own exclusive special little box, they bent our wire framed 2 year old mattress in half and tied it with a rope for several hours until we saw it in order to fit it in the elevator, now voiding the warranty and in my opinion ruining it. This was purchased just one month before moving abroad, making it 2 years old, and in perfect condition until the movers got a hold of it. I should post pictures of it. It is ridiculous.

So, for what was supposed to be a brief post, this has gotten a bit wordy. I am very worked up about the situations that have arisen over the last few days. Contracts to work abroad are 90% wonderful. This has been a great experience no doubt. But it's the little details in the fine print that really create huge headaches for me. Especially when I'm the one that deals with the ramifications of the fine print, when it's not my company, when I don't have a voice and I have to just do whatever I'm told, and when it ultimately doesn't matter how I feel or what I think because it's completely out of my control. So, this is my voice. This is my outlet for saying that it pisses me off that my mattress is ruined and that I'm sore beyond all belief because of a technicality that robotically and without any common sense says "you get blah blah blah cubic meters. Period."

11 months until US move...2 days until Östermalm move

2010-08-02T15:55:00.001+02:00

Well, that first month of the countdown went by quickly. I guess I didn't manage a daily update, but still a decent average nonetheless--especially considering the activity level around here over the last several days. It's just been a blur of activity since we officially got our keys and the guided tour by the owner of our new apartment. Lots of packing, cleaning, organizing, taking carloads over,unpacking boxes...We also had a final party here Saturday and a going away party for one of my very good friends on Friday--the first of us to return to the states.

Wednesday is the official move day with the movers and Thursday is the move in day with movers. This whole thing still doesn't feel very real. Someone asked me how I feel. If I'm sad or excited or stressed. But I really don't feel anything. Or a lot of things. I'm not exactly sure. Either way, the downpour of rain today hasn't made this process feel any easier, even if I haven't had to get out in it yet today. Yet, the one thing I have enjoyed is the process of deep cleaning and tossing out old items. I'm not sure why I have such a satisfaction from the disposal of useless possessions. But it's felt very liberating anyway.

I would like to note that if my feelings from Saturday's final farewell to one dear friend were any indicator, dang, this year will be tough. It's like you know this is happening for a really long time, so you feel as though you will be prepared (in a realistic sense of preparation), but in that final moment when you exchange eye contact, and without actually saying any words and in just the course of a millisecond, you both know how you've affected the other and in a sense an era has almost ended. And I know it's always tough to say goodbye to a friend. But, I really feel there is something to be said for sharing the expat experience together. It's just a different friendship. Especially when you're both unemployed, sometimes lonesome and frustrated, questioning your personal purpose abroad, all while suffering through the worst and darkest winter in a lifetime (oh please let there not be a worse one!) together. So, I just know there will be many more moments like this. Like in two days when we say goodbye to this lovely, cozy, comfy apartment. Oh, I just hope for it to not by rainy and melancholy that day.

Alicante Spain Part 2...just a little sun and sand

2010-07-29T18:35:00.001+02:00

A month in, I've had this over my head about finally catching up on this fabulous trip. Now that I look back on the photos, I really think this was one of the best family vacations we've ever had. And it's because of the simplicity of the trip (not that the warmth, sunshine, perfectly soft sandy beaches, sangria and tapas hurt anything). That's why I finally realized I'm being a bit ridiculous to feel overwhelmed about writing about these two weeks, because the two weeks looked quite a lot like this:

Sleep in until the sounds of some undecipherable Spanish announcement is made from a speaker from the back of a truck--propaganda for the current transportation strike maybe?---wakes us up. Either that or by the bright sunshine.

Get showered and dressed. I made a joke that all I hoped to bring were several bikinis. There was a lot of truth in this fantasy actually.

Pack a picnic.

Pack up the car and find a new undiscovered beach. Eat a picnic on our beach mat in the sand. Lay on a towel listening to music. People watch. Nap a little. Open a book, think about reading it, then decide maybe later.

Have a beach beer around 4:00pm

Have another beach beer around 5:00pm

Go back to the apartment and either get ready for dinner out on the town, or stay in and cook and watch a movie.

Repeat 14 times

And that's pretty much what we did. And it was amazing. We have never traveled like this in our family's many travels. I often joke that we are travel overachievers. We are the ones that once hit six countries in a four-day long weekend trip. Ok, so two of them were Liechtenstein and Luxembourg, but still. The point is, we just went somewhere warm and truly summery and enjoyed the weather and relaxed. Did nothing. Well, we did some things. We shopped some and went to a water park one day and to a place like Sea World another day. But the girls loved it. I've never seen Meagan love swimming in the ocean or the pool or really swimming at all for that matter. It was just the chillaxed trip that we all needed, and one that I wonder if will redefine how we travel from this point on.

I can not recommend Playa De San Juan (San Juan Beach) enough. It is known as one of the best couple of beaches in all of Europe. It is definitely in the best beaches I've ever been to, including the Bahamas, Miami, Belize, and Grand Cayman. Definitely, without a doubt, the best in Europe I've seen. Definitely. It's like the beaches of travel magazine covers that is the epitome of a beach when someone dreams of a beach vacation. Perfect soft white sand. Warm blue water. Kilometers that go on as far as you can see of beach. This beach was less busy than the main beach in the city Playa del Postiguet, which was also beautiful but very crowded and chaotic, so for a touch of solitude and peace, I highly recommend Playa De San Juan, about 20 minutes by car from Alicante city, or 25 minutes by tram (which we found were often on strike and did not run very often). There were still cafes and boardwalk amenities convenient to access. Nearly every day we tried out a new beach area, and it always resulted in the one that was a block from our apartment was by far the best one.

I actually quite liked staying in El Campello and traveling to Alicante when we needed or wanted to. I also thought having a car was worth the added expense. It was definitely a pain to park downtown during their midsummer festivities, but overall I recommend a car as well. This freed us up to explore different cities like Benidorm (which I refer to as the British Orlando in Spain) and to see different beaches. We're still progressing in the relaxed travel experience...couldn't stay at just one beach for two weeks!

So here are some pictures from the beaches in and around Alicante:

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Family Sofo Day

2010-07-25T23:03:00.001+02:00

(July 25 and orange leaves on the ground)

For about a week, I've had this day marked as a family day. As a last day to shop around SOFO, to have coffee at a trendy-artsy little coffee shop I've walked by a million times but never stopped at, to eat at one of our favorite neighborhood restaurants...just a day to be together one last time as a family in our neighborhood, while it still feels like our neighborhood. Normally, the girls are pretty suspicious and resistant to any day that resembles or could possibly be an incognito "family bonding day." At least one that's preplanned to be so. They really hate it when I call something "mother daughter bonding." Or if I suggest they have a "sister boding day." They just like spontaneity and the fun memories that come without a plan. I definitely agree that the best things just happen. I've come a long way with this myself (the ultimate planner that I am). But today, they were willing and happy to go along, even knowing it a week in advance.

We were in this area for Mother's day and went into a shop and I really liked this stuffed owl. I kind of have this thing for owls and trees lately. Anyway, I've had it in my mind I'd like to buy that as my Södermalm souvenir for a while now, so we bought him today. I am holding it in the top picture. I've written about SOFO before, but every big city has to have a really cool, trendy, artsy, alternative, free spirited four letter acronym neighborhood that's "South of something" or "North of something." This is South of Folkungagatan. There are so many very interesting shops, with so many useless but interesting none the less things. The kinds of things you find at Urban Outfitters or maybe Pearl Street Mall in Boulder. The owl is very useless, but he's a very cool owl anyway.

Today we walked by a tattoo shop and Emily joked that we should all get family tattoos on family day out. This turned into saying we should each get a few letters of Södermalm on each of us, or better yet each get some letters of Havenstein so if we stood together in a row it would spell it out. But then Emily suggested we each get a puzzle piece that fit together into one. I really liked that idea. The idea that we're all a piece but fit together into one unit perfectly. Even though it was a little joke, I just thought that was an image that perfectly represented our family day together.

Just really quick...

2010-07-24T23:58:00.001+02:00

It's Saturday night after all. And it's raining. Again. I say again, not because it's rained recently, but because this overcast, drizzly, pittery pattery sound on the roof is the Stockholm I am way more familiar with. That doesn't mean I like it. Then again, it doesn't mean I dislike it; at least not for today. Today, for some reason, the smell and the feel of the air really reminded me of Evergreen Colorado. It just felt cozy, as did the day simply in and of itself, spent primarily in the apartment watching movies and playing with my new found love of Photoshop.

I sometimes have a hard time justifying days like this, probably because I realize that the frequency of cozy-in-apartment-days will only increase exponentially over the next several months. I had a thought the other day, and that's that only four months ago, it was March and the snow was barely only melting from the winter from hell. And, in just four months from now it will be November, which many people claim is the worst month of the winter months. That kind of puts into perspective the brevity of the potential nice window here. And although the day was cozy, it's a little disheartening to wonder if this really is the beginning of the end.

Anyway, last night, Meagan had a few friends over for a little farewell from Söder get together. They were all playing guitar hero when they heard a very distinctive "knock, knock, knock." They paused the game to listen again, since they weren't expecting anyone else to come. They waited and listened, and realized it sounded like someone was knocking at the window. When they went to investigate, they saw the same seagull we'd fed the night before sitting there on the ledge and knocking with his beak. Staring in and knocking. I really feel like I need to leave a note for the following tenants of this apartment for after we leave in a week: "Please know there is a seagull that comes to the window at about 7pm every evening. He knocks when he arrives. We feed him kanel flavored knäckebröd. He really prefers that to regular knäckebröd . Oh, and he's a little leery of cats."

Clyde

2010-07-23T00:36:00.001+02:00

The last couple of days have been fairly uneventful, which might help explain why the following story was so entertaining. But first, it seems that the weather is changing; and, probably worse yet, yesterday was the first day I could definitely tell a difference in the light--like an undeniable "wow, it's 10 and it's actually dark now" kind of difference. I mentioned several weeks ago that when we move, we will have lost 2 hours of light by that point, and now we're only a little over a week until then. I mean, right now at nearly midnight, it's actually pitch dark out, and will be for several more hours. No glow or shimmery horizon. Just blackness. It just feels a little chilly now in the evenings, and outside the grass is dead and there are orange colored leaves on the ground. Could it really be that we're entering the end of the lovely summer? The ten day forecast seems to audaciously suggest such things, but I'm still holding out hope for a few more hammock afternoons, hopefully a few at the new apartment.

Today was a really nice day. Simple, but nice. Because Bryan sort of wondered if this could be the beginning of the end (at least for several days, if forecasts are right) he picked up sushi again and met me with the scooter between our apartment and Hornstulls Strand. This is a new favorite place of ours. We had a leisurely picnic by the water and then I came home and discovered my new favorite hobby, photo editing. I love photography but have never digitally manipulated a photo. Anyway, it's the little things in life that please me, and I am extremely satisfied with the outcome of several photos I worked on this afternoon. It overwhelms me to think I have about 25,000 photos on this computer, and at this rate, I should be caught up editing them in about 137 years. But, at any rate, I found a little something else to occupy myself with during my excessive amounts of time over the next 11 months.

And it might be because of my excessive amounts of time that I've become quite entertained and kinda attached to a few birds that frequent the balcony. Ok, even to the point that I've named a couple, including "black beak," "yellow belly" and "big bastard crow" (yes,he earned his name). Alright, I sound a little loony, but I'd just like to defend myself in saying I'm just a kind hearted person and have always released spiders outside instead of smashing them, and one time made Bryan buy ridiculous 'humane' sticky mice traps for the garage so that we could set him free again (using vegetable oil on the sticky paper, if you can imagine how well this went) in a field near our house (I'm writing as I'm sitting here with my purring cat lounging beside me with one paw on my keyboard--this is not helping my cause.)

Anyway, last night I saw a seagull from our kitchen window so I had this idea that I should feed it a knäckebröd. Needless to say, he loved it. He quickly was brave enough to come right to the window and we gave him several more over the evening. This morning when I woke up to make coffee, the seagull was sitting with his beak right at the window staring in at me like "hello??", my cat on the other side staring hungrily out at it. Tonight he was back. Just as we were eating dinner, he squawked loudly in the window at us to let us know he was ready for his treats, apparently. We gave him more knäckebröd, and within a few bites he basically had his head in our kitchen window and Meagan was able to hand feed him a piece. Just as he was getting pretty comfortable with this set up, Sofie suddenly leapt from the floor to the window, and didn't actually get him, but undoubtedly scared the skit (not a typo--Swedish so it's ok) out of him. But, he regained his composure quickly. He was back again in 2 minutes.

Finally! All about the Spain trip (part 1)

2010-07-20T16:50:00.001+02:00

I have this thing where I feel like I can't really sit and focus for a long time on the computer unless it's cloudy and I can justify being inside. So, for three weeks now I've waited for an appropriate day to invest on catching up on our trip, and I've finally realized I may be waiting a while. Therefore, I'm settling on a day that's mild and a little windy, but doesn't feel like a day I'll seriously regret not being out in three or four months. Not to mention, I honestly feel like I need a break from the elements. The goal here very clearly seems to get a year's worth of mandatory-for-survival sunlight in about 2 months time, and I never felt that pressure or guilt in Colorado. So, today's an indoor day, and I'll remind myself that I made this decision in "sound body and mind" when it's December.

When Meagan blogged about the trip, she broke it down into two categories: beach days and Las Hogueras de San Juan (Alicante's unique version of a midsummer celebration). And she did a really good job describing both. But, I'm going to add one more: England.

We flew from Stockholm on June 15 and had a one day layover in England outside of London. Bryan and the girls were there last August, leaving a couple of days before I returned from my month in Colorado. So, they'd already done the whole London thing. I'm not sure why, but the UK hasn't really ranked very high on my list of places I want to see in Europe before we move back to the states (maybe not exotic and challenging enough to speak the same language and all), so for me, it actually worked out pretty well to see an overview in a relatively short time but to stay long enough that I can count it on my "Where I've been" map on facebook.

We arrived to the airport in Stansted at around 12 and rented a car (yay, wrong side of the road driving again) and then drove towards Bishop's Stortford. We spent the afternoon just driving around, looking at cute little British countryside cottages and ate at a British pub. It was so picturesque, and at this point I was convinced this is indeed a place I need to get back to at some point in the future. I have a good friend from England and another from Ireland, so it would be great fun to visit these places with them someday (hint, hint).

Originally, we hadn't necessarily planned to go to London since it was about an hour away. We thought maybe we'd see Cambridge or just the countryside and just take it easy, but when it came down to it, it was just too tempting to be that close and to go ahead and at least have a quick peak.

One thing the girls really wanted to do the last time was go to Madame Tussaud's wax museum, so we thought since we are normally dragging the kids from one museum to ancient ruins to the next, we should let them pick something with no historical or cultural relevance whatsoever and something that was just fun for the sake of fun . http://www.madametussauds.com/ My only suggestion about visiting here is to not go an hour before closing. We did this only because it was our only option, but I felt like they were herding us through unnecessarily quickly. For as much as we paid to go in there, we should be able to pose with Leonardo De Caprio in as many obnoxious ways as we want to. Anyway, it was fun and we did get a lot of really fun pictures.

After we left there, it was already early evening. Luckily for me, I had my own personal tour guide and got a quick glimpse of the most famous sites in London. It was just an overview but it felt pretty special having my family show me the best of the best. We only stopped twice (once at Starbucks, once for a great photo op), but all in all it was similar to the type of tour I would have seen on a double decker red bus, but more interesting taking pictures from the left side window as Bryan maneuvered through backwards roundabouts.

And that generally sums up the first day. The city had an energy and 'hustly bustly' noisy feel that Stockholm simply does not have. In some ways it felt very familiar, and in others very foreign. A couple of things that were not so good were that Bryan accidentally put the wrong Holiday Inn into the GPS, so at about midnight we went to the wrong hotel after an exhaustingly long drive, only to still have about 45 minutes to go to get to the right one. The other is that we had a parking ticket when we woke up in the morning because the man that checked us in at the hotel forgot to mention we had to prepay for the parking after 9am. I think "forgot" is very generous. Bryan explicitly asked him about this, and he said it was fine to keep our car there until we checked out. Later we were told it must have been some kind of miscommunication. It's very strange that one of the worst cases of "lost in translation" we've had while living abroad happened in England. Anyway this is part one of Spain trip 2010, and I haven't started with Spain!

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Is it spring cleaning in July?

2010-07-18T22:37:00.001+02:00

The weekend was relatively uneventful. I think the following will say quite a lot about me: the highlight of the last couple of days was thoroughly organizing cabinets in our kitchen, throwing away old spices, and packing a couple of boxes of things from our mini-Target cabinet that we won't need for two weeks. This was actually made even more fun by the fact that all four of us were involved, and it seemed all four of us were enjoying it together. It feels great to be making progress towards the new move. I think for me, even more so, it feels great to make a mental inventory of what we have for the next eleven months, what we need to use, sell, definitely not keep, maybe keep...it's like a good run-through of the final move.

I also spent some time online looking at potential places for Colorado. This is completely ridiculous I realize, being that I found just the perfect place and asking them to hang on to it for about a year will just go over perfectly. It's fun to fantasize though. The new apartment will be great for sure, but it will feel very temporary and impersonal I'm afraid. It's very exciting though, made possible by a touch of good luck. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would spend part of my life living in a place like that. I actually feel like it will be a bit of a surprise when we move in, because when we looked it at it felt more like touring a model-home, and I didn't at all consider the reality we might live there. I'm very excited about opening the front door for the first time and seeing it as a home.

The weather has been a bit cooler. Yesterday was overcast and cooler, but that was actually refreshing and nice. I think I will appreciate the sun even more now that I had a temporary break from it. There was a lot of hype about a huge thunderstorm and tornado like winds, but we didn't have anything like that. That was a bit disappointing. One thing I do miss about Colorado are our mad summer thunderstorms. I love the sound of rain on the roof and thunder overhead while I'm sleeping. I think I've heard thunder here three times since we've been here, and although it rains a lot here, very seldom hard enough to actually hear on the roof (and we do have the attic apartment).

I spent a lovely afternoon on Friday with close friends on a beach north of Stockholm. I can't remember where we were, but it is known as the Hollywood of Stockholm. I'll have to ask again. Anyway, we saw the house of someone from ABBA and the most expensive house in Sweden. But, the best part was going to a secluded little spot on the rocks, over looking the water with boats occasionally passing by, a place that felt like a secret little haven, a place where one can sit and the time just disappears. After that, we had an evening picnic with Bryan and two friends and that was the perfect beginning to a very laid back and relaxed cloudy and cool weekend.

Tan lines and airplane trails in the sky

2010-07-15T23:46:00.001+02:00

I wish I had something profound or at least interesting to report. The fact is, I'm not sure if I could be more bored than I've been the last few days. It's just the timing of everything. It's just that we move in two and half weeks, so it's a little too soon to start packing, but so close to moving that it doesn't make sense to invest so much time in my normal household routines. Then, there's the kids. I thought I'd see them more in the summer than in the school year, but at this point, I think it's fair to say they'll check in again in late-August. There's nothing wrong with that at all. It's there last summer with their friends and boyfriend in Sweden, so of course they should be out living it up. And, most everyone I normally spend time has been traveling or is traveling or is moving or going to be moving. . . it's just life in July I think.

So, when I say bored, I don't want for a second to detract from the gorgeous summer it's been. It has to have been a record of some type over the last few weeks. Most consecutive days over 80. Most consecutive day with no rain. I don't know. All I do know is that it's exceeded any expectation I had for my one true summer in Sweden. I read an entire book in two days. I've clocked more hours on my hammock than I'll ever admit to--needless to say, I have a wicked tan at this point (on my front at least). It just gets kinda lonesome over here some days.

And, it is because I've been bored and lonesome, I was especially happy when my husband offered to pick up sushi for lunch today and meet me in the park for a little diversion from my less than stimulating day. That was the definite highlight of my day. The park was nearly empty since it seems half the city has vacated to their summer cabins. We lingered on the grass probably longer than he really planned. But, these are the little things that matter to me. These are the little things I want to remember this year.

Hot, hot, hot!

2010-07-13T23:54:00.001+02:00

The last two days have been crazy. Nearly 90 degrees both days. Keep in mind, it never got that hot the entire time we were in Spain, and I can't recall these temperatures at all over the last three years. At least not days in a row. And keep in mind no one in Sweden has air conditioning. And keep in mind we are in an attic apartment (heat rises and all that). We were warned of the "rainy July" from some American friends who were on a similar contract before we moved here; and last summer definitely had a fair deal of rainy summer days. Since we've back from Spain, there has been one single-solitary-kinda-rainy day. Two weeks now. And two days where the thermostat in our house read 86.

So it's been a decedent couple of days of alternating between reading and cool down showers. Today, I stretched out on my hammock with a towel covering my face, the wind sufficiently rocking the hammock without the necessity of occasionally shifting my weight, and I listened to the leaves rustle above me, and as I lay in the sweltering heat, I thought for a moment that I felt just the same as I would on a Colorado afternoon. Just in that moment. It just felt like I'd been transported there. And for a few glorious moments, I was there. My sliding glass window to my kitchen was on my left, barbeque grill beside it, my Sonic drink within reach, my beagle laying in the shade beneath me. It felt so freeing to let my mind take me home again. And then I was interrupted by a small child yelling "Titta Pappa, titta." And I thought 'I guess it actually can get a little too hot and too sunny in Sweden after all.'

Tonight we watched the Swedish movie Jägarna. We have been ticking off "must-see" Swedish movies for months now, and I'd guess we've seen twenty (especially exciting we've now reached the level of understanding with the assistance of reading Swedish subtitles). If you haven't seen a Swedish movie, I will share they must all have three crucial elements in order to be truly Swedish 1.) Someone dies, most often times the mother, and more often than not, from cancer. 2.) Someone is raped. 3.) A lot of alcohol is consumed, especially by teenagers. Sometimes I wonder if I've been disillusioned or duped by my impression of the society, because based on the movies, one would gather a whole other set of assumptions about this culture. Anyway, since the movie was about hunting, and since there were actually no Swedish subtitles and we resorted to reading Norwegian subtitles (surprisingly, I I understand my Norwegian than I would have guessed), I lost my interest initially and started perusing MSNBC (and yes, this movie had death, rape and exorbitant amounts of inebriation). And I came across this article:

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/38205073/ns/travel-destination_travel/

This is an article about the Stieg Larsson tours, in which many points of interest are in our neighborhood. Anyway, what was notable to me was the picture at the very top. A post or so back, I talked about our cute and charming little neighborhood where movies are filmed, etc. etc. This picture is taken in this neighborhood, and the yellow building in the far background is our building. I think that the black arch above the window is our bedroom window in fact. So, little things in life excite me, and the fact that our bedroom window is kinda visible on a picture on MSNBC made me a little (sadly, embarrassingly) giddy. Bryan parks his scooter back here every day, and this is where we take walks all the time. So, maybe this helps explain why I am so bummed to leave this neighborhood!

Beautiful Sunrise

2010-07-12T23:36:00.002+02:00

I've sometimes wondered whether it is worse to regret not taking an opportunity when it was there, or regretting actually doing something in hindsight. Especially when it comes to risks. Especially when it's a split second decision. I guess it's no surprise what is my personal mantra. To me, there is just nothing that internally tortures me more than "I wish I had..." "I should have..." "that was something I'll never have the chance to do again..." Yeah. So, as I sat in my bed after watching a late night movie, in my pajamas, exhausted and ready for sleep, at 3:17 am, and I looked out and saw the most beautiful sunrise from my window, I had two choices: capture a 3:17 sunrise and remember a sunrise over Söder forever, or convince myself I could do it the following weekend and admit defeat for a long day and finally sleep. I guess I should clarify. There was a third choice, which involved convincing my extremely tired and equally prepared for bed husband that we should "seize the day" before the day had begun (or was just ending, depending on how you look at it.)

And yes, there was no risk or danger, only in the feeling I would have the next day at really regretting not taking ten more minutes from our already ridiculously late Saturday night. And I know myself well enough to know how I would have lamented on this for days. So did my husband. So, as we wandered out in a strange foggy zombie like state, I was amazed to see a Swedish girl riding an old fashioned looking bike complete with a wicker basket down the road. And a man walking his dog. And two guys coming home from what was surely (and honestly obviously) an exciting night on the town. And there I was, in my pajamas and a camera, dragging my sleepy yet hoping-I-capture-the-moment-quickly husband along for a few moments that I will always remember in that surreal way some dreams just stay with you forever.

So, here are a few pictures of a 3:30 sunrise in Stockholm. Taken July 11.

American night

2010-07-10T23:55:00.002+02:00

Well, I missed blogging yesterday, so I guess it's probably just better to admit I will likely not have the chance to do this every day, but I think I can still document the last year well enough with what I can manage frequently. Yesterday was fairly boring anyway and a day I was really questioning if I can really sit over here unemployed and with little to do for one more year. The summer is gorgeous and by far the best summer I've experienced in Sweden, but there are just days where I look forward to the chaos and self induced fast paced lifestyle of the states. Not to mention a check in my name, or a sense of purpose in my life. I need a car, independence and that feeling that there is something I need to get done with an (imagined) panicky feeling something terrible will happen if I don't get it done.

So, today was similar to last Saturday and I'm sure will be similar to next Saturday. The truth of the matter is, I don't feel like there is a lot to occupy oneself with on a weekend over here, without normal house-hold to-do lists or redecorating projects, or lessons to take the kids to or any number of things that dominated our lives before. Or, without loads of money. I feel like the options for entertainment tend to be drinking alcohol or eating out or shopping. They shop a shocking amount here. That's about it. And these things are quite pricey over here. So, the other option on a nice day is a scooter ride to some beach and a picnic by the water. This is not to complain. The sun is great and it's beautiful. It's just to say I think this is what the rest of the summer will look like for us (with an added bonus of the killer tan I'm surely going to have).

But, tonight we met with my close American friend and had wine on our balcony and then went for a burger at a favorite place (late discovered place if you ask me) Texas Burger Company. As my friend pointed out, this might be one of her favorite burgers ever, American restaurants included. That says a a lot as most food over here doesn't compare to most American food. This place is not only really good, but also a nice reminder of home, and especially a good value at less than 100kr per person. If I were to list my top ten favorite restaurants in Stockholm (which I should and will do at some point), this would be in the list. Funny thing is, I don't know if there is one place with traditional Swedish food that would make the cut. I guess it's only fair, I'll have to think of one. I promise it won't be the food court at Ikea, although judging by the impossibility of finding a table there on a Saturday afternoon, I suppose it should be.

Other than that, we've taken a lot of walks around our current neighborhood with a nostalgic feeling, which is just a dress-rehearsal, in a sense, of really leaving. I love this neighborhood, and I don't think I'll feel quite as attached to the new one. We live by two hundred year old buildings, a huge, commanding church and charming cobblestones. At least three times, movies or music videos were filmed on our block since we've been here. There are the cliffs just on the other side of our block with a clear panoramic view of downtown Stockholm, the old town and Djurgården silhouetted in the water. Yesterday, we came across an old military looking bicycle leaning against a wrought iron fence enshrouded in overgrown shrubbery. It was so picturesque. So quaint. So European. It seemed to somehow encompass the feeling of this neighborhood. Then, a few minutes later, we came across a guy in a doorway, possibly and very suspiciously sawing off a lock from a bicycle, and that did also. Also encompassed the feeling of the neighborhood.

Guiltless day

2010-07-08T23:15:00.001+02:00

There's no reason for me to wonder or worry that I maybe wasted what could be one of the last few sunny days in Stockholm today. I left our apartment to meet my best friend for lunch at 11:30 and finally requested a scooter ride home from Bryan around 6:00pm. For hours I walked, or sat on a bench and read a book, or people watched or looked towards the boats and the water thought for the millionth time how pretty this city is and how lucky I am to live in it.

Meagan met me in the mid-afternoon for a little shopping and ice cream from the friendliest ice cream vendor in all of Stockholm. He's inside Gallerian across from the H&M. I recommend giving him business. He's one of the few people with a genuine smile and one of the even fewer people I feel completely comfortable and not intimidated speaking Swedish with. I think I'll see if I can pose with him for a picture before we move back.

We walked along Drottinggatan, the most touristy street in all of Stockholm, the one place where there may be just an equal amount of English as Swedish, and thought as Meagan and I nonchalantly conversed in English, no one overhearing us would realize we've walked on this road about a hundred times and know this city with as much effortless comfort as our hometown in Colorado. There are moments when it really hits me that I live in Europe. Walking towards Gamla Stan on the cobblestone, with the lakrits tables and street performers, always strikes me with this overwhelming awe of where I really am. Where I am perfectly comfortable. Where I easily take it for granted in day to day life. Where I will miss desperately and crave again someday.

Yet, there are the other things, like the tattered coupon book sitting on an empty table resulting in two irritated Swedish women because we didn't realize that was their signal of a claim to a table in the sunshine. Or the fact that my salad at said restaurant was 119kr ($16). Or the fact that a week has gone by without a key to our attempted to be broken into storage. Or two days of vacation will have to be taken for a move we are forced to make. Such is the dichotomy of living abroad.

Bikinis and Sushi

2010-07-07T23:31:00.001+02:00

So, this will be very short. It's more just for the sake that I really wanted to do this every day and I already missed yesterday, so I just can't stand to skip it again. Just very simply, these are the days that are so good there is no time to actually justify sitting at a computer, but so good that it's necessary to document it and capture it in words. Already we feel a difference in the light. Fall catalogs are arriving in my mail slot. It just won't be long, and for that, I feel a desperation to take it in as much as possible, coinciding with a guilt when I feel like I haven't, just enough.

There's a different mindset, too, that comes with an in-city move just 11 months before an intercontinental one. I'm now seeing our possessions in the sense of what doesn't need to go, what simply can't go, and what can we do without and keep in boxes, just for my sanity's sake of dealing with repacking again so soon. This has also changed my general attitude. For example, television. I don't think we need it for now. I have this feeling that we "only" have less than a year left and can do without. We should be out, I guess all the time, experiencing this in every sense of the word experience. I think if we had stayed in this apartment, my attitude would be, we "still" have a year, and would see it as a necessity. Same with the car. I'm perfectly willing to sell it soon and go back to a more frequent use of regular public transportation, which will be more necessary for a normal functioning life there than here, since here we can quite literally walk easily anywhere we need to go, and strategize large shopping trips for the car on the weekends. It's "just" 11 months. I can carry groceries again on the subway for "only" 11 months.

So, these are the types of things I think about while I lay in the sun and try and take in and absorb as much summer and Swedish culture as my soul will allow. Today I layed out with an American friend of mine and we talked about life in Sweden, followed by life in America. sigh. There's just no way to really put into words the feeling of not really belonging to either now, or anymore. It's a thing you have to analyze, and have analyzed many, many types with these few expat friends, whom all seem to get it, even without the right words to explain it. We sat on a blanket, in a temperature we both referred to as "too hot" many times, and ate sushi. In a church park. In our bikinis. Maybe this is a Swedish thing. Maybe it's a Swedish/American expat thing. I don't know. All I know is that next year, I think I may have a hard time convincing my friends in the states that this is, indeed, a very reasonable and acceptable thing to do with a warm and sunny Wednesday afternoon.

Back to the Future-we're there!

2010-07-05T22:49:00.002+02:00

Greetings on this July 5. If you recall the 80s movie Back to the Future maybe you'll remember that Doc sets a date waaay in the future. Turns out that day was July 5, 2010. Today is the day. Today is the future.

When I was 9 years old watching that movie, man, did I never guess we're I'd be...or really be able to imagine really being a grown up with kids of my own a husband all of the things you look forward to with freedom to just whatever you want to and not have to come in when the street lights come on. I remember that at this age I really wanted to grow up, and had three goals I wanted to accomplish as soon as I had the independence I always craved. 1. to get my ears pierced (but managed to do this just three years later--and I can't imagine what my parents would have said if I said I wanted to get my nose and belly button pierced too!) 2. To get a perm (ha, that's definitely a phase I outgrew, and did many times, as my high school pictures attest to) 3. And finally, the one "dream" I've yet to see through, to get a convertible. That's still on the to-do list of 2011.

So, today was basically a hammock day. While I sat there with my iPod and a book, I thought about the day that I got it. 10 years ago, Mother's day, July 2010 being waaaay in my future. I really wanted a lifestyle, something that I talked about and fantasized about, but something that just seemed impossible with two small children and a part time job. More time for myself. More time to just relax. More time to go to the park or just read a book, or essentially in Swedish terms, more time to "ta det lugnt." I don't think we were alone in America in the feeling of always being busy, always having somewhere to go, to buy, some lesson to get our kids to, a room to refinish, a lawn to mow, a wall to paint...yeah. The hammock was a symbol of what I knew I needed. Only that. It sat in our garage, and summer after summer I thought "tomorrow I should get that out" and season after season came with that lovely gift sitting there as only an ideal.

I never would have guessed I would get ten years worth of use in just a couple of summers in Sweden. Never, on that Mother's day when my kids were only three and six, would I have thought I could spend hours in the Swedish sunshine, taking the time to myself that once seemed like only a luxury, a fantasy, a dream. As much as I hope to continue (within reason, some type of compromise is in order here) our Swedish lifestyle once we return to the states, I am well aware life will only be too hectic, too soon. So, today, I celebrated another clear sky and high 70 degree weather, and my hammock.

Happy 4th!

2010-07-04T21:55:00.002+02:00

After three years here, I don't feel like we are deprived of typical American traditions like fireworks, emotional music and watermelon. Still, we thought that it would be very nice to pick a date to return to the US that would get us there by the 4th of July--returning right after our final Midsommar and right before Independence day. So, next year, we'll have a traditional fourth of July, and for that I am excited. This year is OK that we just went to the same cove in the Swedish forest and sat by the water. But, I still must dedicate this Fourth of July to my dear British friend Nick. haha sucker.

Today we talked a bit about what type of a home we'll have when we move back, and I love talking about things like this. I love plans. I love the feeling of a goal and something to look forward to. We don't have a particular goal just yet, but it is still fun (and scary and kinda overwhelming) to have a fresh start, and do just whatever, wherever we want to. For the most part, I think we would like to continue our European life in the most practical US way there is, yet I'm not exactly sure how to marry these two opposing concepts. I think there is compromise between "less is more" and "dammit, those Jones' bought another SUV." I don't know. I do know we've lived like this for what will be four years, and have been quite satisfied. But, I also know that there are good deals in real estate right now. Who's to say.

Scooter rides and tan lines

2010-07-03T22:05:00.001+02:00

We're now in the middle of the days that everyone lives for. These are the days that make winter worth it (supposedly; it was a long winter). It was the kind of day that makes even a justifiable sleep in day feel like a travesty and one of the few days a year where a trip to Ikea would be like an eerie and unnerving scene from an apocalyptic movie. This is the beginning of four to six week long consecutive vacations and the only month parking in Södermalm is a breeze.

Today, we spent about six hours outside in the sun, going to three different beaches by Bryan's preferred way of transportation, exposed to the open air and sunshine, my hair blowing freely behind my helmet (this sounds so much more graceful than the realities of what high way speeds and wind do to hair). It's actually quite funny what winters here have done to us--us, who have grown up in temperatures easily over 90 degrees days or weeks in a row. We have become big weenies. We were so deprived of warmth and light for so long, now we can't handle it at all. It's like a shock to our systems. I thought I was having a heat stroke in Spain, and it turned out it was only about 80 degrees. I looked up the high temperature today in Stockholm, and it was 81. I'd swear it was a lot higher than that. It felt hotter.

It's also funny how the sun affects me. I complain all winter long that without exposure to natural sunlight, I just feel like I don't have normal amounts of energy to function like I normally function. Today,on the other hand, in the opposite point of the earth's cycle, I feel like six hours in the sun drained me of every bit of energy I had. It seems like it'd be like spinach analogy and maybe without it I'd be weak and pathetic, but lots and lots of it would just stockpile up in some invisible reserve tank for another (more needed) day. Nope. It just actually sucks the energy out of me too. I'm still trying to convince myself it is, in fact, an adverse affect to living here through three winters, not at all anything to do with getting older.

So, that's pretty much that for July 3. Today was a beautiful day. A picnic near Hornstull Strand. A long stay at a cove near a lake outside of Stockholm (I really hate to use the word "beach" after we just got back from Spain). We also drove around what will be our new neighborhood and started to feel the reality of this upcoming change (in just double the amount of time we were in Spain is the amount of time that goes by before we move). Great forecasts for tomorrow as well. Today the sunrise was at 3:37 am and the sunset will be (yes, that's future tense, even now) at 10:06pm. We lost 2 minutes of sun from yesterday. In exactly one month we will move into our new apartment, at which point we will have lost 2 hours of sunlight.

There's a target on our backs. No, there has to be.

2010-07-02T22:23:00.001+02:00

Yep, day two of this new quest, and here I am again. Anyway, this day, t minus 364, exemplifies why it's necessary to document this time, because I swear there is a new drama unfolding every single day. As a matter of fact, I thought about writing what I knew earlier, and just decided I wanted to see how this day played out a little more before I actually wrote about it. I was on a bit of a personal cliff hanger myself, very curious of the outcome.

So, the story goes...we did an apartment swap with a lovely couple in Spain. Last year, we tried the same idea, and it failed miserably at the last second; but this year it went perfectly. However, this isn't about the swap, only in that sense that I was a bit skeptical of what could happen in the worst case scenario and probably a little more cynical about this being 'a little too good to be true,' so decided if this was a huge scam and two thugs with grey wigs, sombreros and a pathetic Spanish accent showed up (I watched a lot of Scooby Doo as a child), maybe we should offset our losses by hiding our valuables in our inaccessible storage closet.

And by valuables, I really mean sentimentally valuable. It's not as if we have showcases of diamonds and Rembrandts we were worried would mysteriously vanish. I mean our computers, and not for the monetary value of a 5 year old laptop, but for the seven years worth of pictures on it; or my jewelry, and not because I'm so frequently so bedazzled in diamonds, but because of the 15 years worth of Mother's Days and anniversaries, not to mention the boxes with every little trinket we've picked up along the way in the last three years in Europe. This storage closet, maybe 20 square feet, held my most sentimental items.

Last night at midnight, Meagan finally convinced Bryan to conjure up the energy to retrieve her laptop from the storage closet. And by closet, it is truly that. It was most likely an old maintenance room, and has a solid metal door and is fully enclosed by walls. In Sweden, it's common in apartments to have metal crates and a personal padlock, in which all of the contents are clearly visible to anyone. It's on the bottom level of the building, or four levels below us. There are also two other apartments and a locked door to the rest of the building's storage locker room.

When Bryan tried to open the door, he found that the key didn't work, and while we were in Spain, someone changed the lock. We assumed this had to do with the fact the building was recently sold, and I was mostly irritated that someone had the ability to access our private space and would change our lock without either telling us or providing us with our own key. I was also somewhat concerned that there had been a miscommunication on that room being our private storage, and wondered if the building owner assumed someone left their contents and had disposed of our items. Since we had no key to look in there, I kept imagining more and more worse case scenarios.

So, this morning, Bryan called our management company, and after much confusion on their part about why and how this had happened, and after several hours, we finally got to the bottom of the mystery of the unlockable closet. It turns out, while we were in Spain, someone tried to break into our storage, apparently pulling the door vigorously with a crow bar and breaking out the lock. The maintenance man in the building changed the lock while we were gone, since from what I gathered (from him telling me the story in Swedish, which means I most likely got about 50%) the lock and door around it were extremely mangled.

I've blogged about this before, but it's worth mentioning again. So far, since we've lived in Sweden we've had: a purse stolen with 700kr inside, a camera stolen from a church, a scooter stolen, our tires stabbed, our car window broken and a GPS stolen, countless times of graffiti to our building, several times of the security code box outside our building ripped off the wall, sunglasses and a cord that connects an iPod to a car stereo stolen, an iPod stolen from Meagan's school, a license plate stolen to be put on someone's stolen car, and now THIS attempt at breaking into our storage unit. Seriously.

We've had more theft and vandalism in two years in Södermalm than we had the whole 12 years we lived in the states. Apparently, there was a bank robbery today in downtown Stockholm with two hostages. A few nights ago, a couple woke up to a thief in their bedroom holding a knife. Last night, a man was shot and killed in a suburb outside of Stockholm. With all the hype about the safety and statistics of Sweden, I feel like we are either the most unlucky family in the country, or things are a bit skewed somehow.

All I know for now is that everything seems to be safe and sound in our storage. By looking at the door, it's surprising somehow had the equipment to try this (and I don't mean tools). It's on the main level, a door perfectly viewable from the glass window to the street, across from the elevator which is clearly used by many people all the time, and on the same floor that families live on. It's a metal door being banged on by a crowbar. Seriously, I guess we'll see what tomorrow's new adventure brings.

And the countdown begins...tick tock, tick tock

2010-07-01T15:15:00.002+02:00

I haven't blogged in a few weeks, and once again, I'm not sure how to even go about catching up. In the blink of an eye, we were celebrating our 15 year anniversary with a rather busty belly dancer and our Arabian attire, traveling to Spain, laying on the beach sipping cerveza and somehow woke up again in my bed in Sweden. I'm not sure how that happened. But, this post isn't about that, although there were certainly be an update at some point in the very near future. This is only about July 1.

July 1 is not anything special really. We're a few days passed the longest day of the year, now on the downhill once again. July 1, 2010 is cloudy and quiet, maybe a little melancholy. July 1 has been filled with unpacking and laundry and a late morning after arriving at 2am. July 1 is really just an ordinary day, but it's the last July 1 I will have in Stockholm, Sweden.

From now on, I am aware everything is the last of whatever it is. We'll have our last late night, twilight hour drink at Mosebacke, our last boat trip to the archipelago, our last St. Lucia procession, our last new year's kiss at midnight overlooking Gamla Stan, our last poker night, our last weekender to the Netherlands, our last excursion to Ikea, our last snowfall, our last embrace with our extremely dear friends. This is simply the first day to the last year of the best four years of my life.

When we were trying to decide if we should extend for a final year (which is crazy to think if we'd decided to not stay, we'd be leaving now), I made a point in the side of staying that periods of life seem to happen in four year periods. Granted, I can't think of much other than high school or college, but I connect these experiences in the same type of way. This is it. It's a mixture of being sentimental and reluctant, while also being excited about something completely and totally brand new and unexplored. I want to document this last, senior year and every "last" experience we will have.

This is why I have every intention of blogging every single day. I don't care if it is four words and I only write "I hate Swedish winters." I want to remember every day and the feelings I had each day. I want to remember the church bells and the sounds of the rustling leaves as I lay on my back on a blanket in the most serene and peaceful park, my most favorite place. Or the sounds of the children playing hide and seek at the preschool behind us counting to ten in Swedish. Or the feeling of sitting on the subway and realizing for the first time I can understand every single word every one is saying. I want to remember this year and everything good and bad that comes with it. It's probably a tad too early to get too sappy, but it's probably along the same lines as a New Year's resolution. I want to make this year, July 1, 2010 to July 1, 2011, really count.

Just a bit about life

2010-06-09T00:01:00.002+02:00

I think I'll take a little break from analyzing life and just talk about life instead. Life's good. It is just so simple and so simply good. It's so easy to fall in love again and again with life in Europe when the sun is shining and the better part of an afternoon is spent laying on a blanket in a green park that's a green like no other green in world. It's this brief, yet enchanting time, when people smile at each other and the city is not only vibrant with the midnight sun, but with the high school graduates, boys shirtless and girls in white sundresses, riding in the truck trailer and dancing to the pulsating bass, unabashedly drinking their light beers. When the definition of "perfection" involves only a glass of wine and a tasteful amount of exposed skin to the sunlight.

The kids only have a few days left of school. We have less than one week until we spend two weeks in southern Spain. It's less than one week until our 15 year anniversary, and just over a week until we celebrate it with our best friends in Sweden in a celebration so perfect for us with an Arabian theme (complete with Arabian clothes for the guests and a belly dancer--maybe even belly dancing lessons, so with my luck there should be some interesting pictures to follow). I'm excited about so much, and just so nöjd. And love is in the air. Granted, almost obnoxiously so, with the upcoming Princess Victoria's royal wedding and the two week celebration leading up to it "Love Stockholm 2010." I joked that we should have had a Royal Anniversary Party to pay homage to the princess. Maybe we would have done that if we were really Swedish.

Anyway, it's because I've been out enjoying life so much lately, that I haven't had much of a chance to really talk about it. That's ok. Instead of a lot of detail of the last couple of weeks, here are a few pictures to quickly recap what we've been up to:

We've spent a lot of time scootering about the city, and quite frankly being rather touristy. The scooter is so much fun, and so convenient. On warm weekend days, we are able to pull up in front of a new restaurant, go shopping downtown and then go to a park or a beach to lay out. No problems with parking or traffic or city driving taxes. We've spent a lot of time on a blanket in the sunshine; we have a blanket we keep permanently in the scooter just in case we happen upon somewhere perfect to lay out for a while.

Clearly some days are warmer than others :) I try to be a good sport, but sometimes in Sweden it's just necessary to wear a ski mask while riding the scooter, even in May.

This is something I very much appreciate about life over here--afternoons in a park with nothing better to do than just be peaceful and enjoy life.

The other thing I love is the late nights, and the strange surreal feeling of leaving a bar in the middle of the night to the sun coming up again, barely tapping the horizon before reappearing again. Bryan and I went to Deadmau5, a DJ at the nightclub Berns. I was trying to describe how cool this was to my best friend here, and I realized I was not doing it any justice. We love going to see good DJs, and this guy has a really cool set with screens and a dj booth that have digital synchronized lighting effects, different from the laser lights that are more typical. Oh, and he wears a mouse head for the set, which is also lit and has effects to the music. Which, this was the point where I realized I just sounded like a lunatic for thinking a dj wearing lit up mouse ears was cool. You probably had to be there :)

One thing that really fun about this night was that everyone left their typical "Swedishness" somewhere else and really let loose and had a fun time. We've been to these types of things many times in Stockholm, and it seems pretty typical for the crowd to be different than in the Netherlands or the US (just way more mellow), but everyone here was in great spirits and really had a good time. As I'm writing this, its occurring to me we've normally gone to djs in the winter--maybe that's the difference.

On our way out.

Here's girl's night out at Mosebacke. There is nothing like the view of the city from the cliffs here in Södermalm, and a late night of drinks with the sun still shining bright.

This night followed by a little get together at our place, since we got a little chilly and our apartment was so close. We played a few intense rounds of Tumble (if you like Jenga, you'll love Tumble...)

American Mother's Day. We went out to brunch at Mississippi Inn, an American "inspired" restaurant. I had an American chocolate chip pancake, which was not exactly the same as American pancakes, but still really good, better maybe since it came with a pile of ice cream to put on top.

My lovely daughters on Mother's Day. We spent the day together walking around Sofo, an area most similar to Lodo (go figure) in Denver.

A few things our family have done:

It's become a bit of a tradition to take a family picture in the woods in Hägersten, where we lived when we first moved here.

We decided we really wanted "puppy chow," you know, that dangerously addictive delicious little snack with Chex-mix, peanut butter, melted chocolate and powdered suger. But, we couldn't find Chex-mix, so Bryan decided to use a Swedish cereal called Kalas Puffar--adopting the new name "Puffy chow."

In the spirit of other American favorite foods collaborating with the Swedish lifestyle, Bryan made a traditional American favorite, meat loaf. But the loaf pan we used was a Swedish Dala Horse. We just like to incorporate both cultures whenever we can.

Finally, our trip to Hungary, Austria and Slovakia:

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Just another Ryanair price that was too good to not take advantage of. We arrived in Bratislava then decided since Vienna was only just over an hour away, we should go to do something more legitimate in Austria than just driving briefly through like we did a couple of years ago. However, we spent the majority of our time in Budapest, which was really beautiful. Bryan's dad worked there on a contract for several months, so it was interesting to see this place that seemed so foreign and a place we never imagined going to for ourselves when he worked there several years ago. Heck, at that point, when our kids were small, it seemed unimaginable we'd ever even go to Europe at all. Further yet, it just seemed so exotic and such a fantasy to be able to live abroad...so funny, these little life foreshadows.

Since Meagan was unable to come because she had too many tests and projects due during this trip, I asked her what she wondered about the trip. For the sake of the fact that this has become a rather long post (which of course happens when trying to recap three weeks and one trip in one post), I will touch on a few highlights that she brought up:

Favorite food: Honey roasted duck at a traditional Hungarian restaurant--very romantic with just the two of us, complete with a traditional live gypsy band, being serenaded by a violinist, and excellent red wine.

Favorite site: We didn't do as much sightseeing this time, but more of a more broad overview by car. One thing I really miss about the US is road trips, or even just commuting. I loved this time to myself commuting 45 minutes each way to and from school. Anyway, there's a picture of my bare feet in the front window of the car, because I love that. Laying back, listening to music with my feet up on the dash. Besides the road trip feel of touching into three countries, I really liked the view from Gellert Hill of the city, bridge and the Danube river.

Favorite shopping: Everything is so much cheaper there, although it is still not significantly less than the states. We went to Vapiano which is an Italian chain common in Europe and I know on the East coast in the states too, and for all three of us to eat lunch, drinks and desserts, it was equivalent to 231kr. If you are living in Sweden, you appreciate the value in this. In the states, that's not nearly as impressive at just over $30, but still a good price considering it is great food. In Sweden, one person can barely eat at Vapiano (if at all) for that price. Hotels were all very reasonably priced at around 30-40 euro. I bought several pairs of shoes and a cute bikini I'll wear in Spain. Other than that, I absolutely loved a Hungarian Design store called "Intuita2." We bought several really cool and contemporary handcrafted items, including a ceramic painted clock, and again, the total for all of this was just over 500kr. The clock alone would have cost 3 times that at a similar local artistry shop in Stockholm.

Favorite Memory: When we were sitting at the cute little Hungarian restaurant listening to the gypsy band and drinking red wine, and I received a text from Meagan saying "happy Swedish Mother's day."

Funniest Memory: We went to a little cafe for lunch, and it seemed like it was a French cafe by the signs outside. We went in to read a nice menu with many choices, and then watched the man go back to a makeshift counter top right in the bar and pull out premixed tuna, etc. from a tiny portable refrigerator and bread from a regular grocery store bag and made sandwiches on a grill that would be the bottom of the line at Walmart. It was as if we'd gone to lunch at a a bachelor's studio apartment with no kitchen.

What I would do if I go back: Definitely hit some of the thermal spas in the area. We really enjoy going to them in Europe anyway, especially the ones in Germany. We just decided we didn't have enough time on this trip and it didn't seem like something that would interest Emily, but at some point towards the end I was sort of regretting that since it was really rainy (stories in the news lately of all the flooding and even deaths in the area we were in) and it felt like in the end that would have been something nice to experience while we were there.

This trip was also just special because we had some quality time with Emily. It's nice to have time with each girl once in a while, and I joked that since Meagan couldn't go, Emily would be spoiled rotten. Her response was "oh yes, spoiled rotten in Slovakia." Funny thing was, she kind of was. And, at some point, we'll do the same type of trip with just Meagan. Meagan and I really want to go to Ukraine to see Chernobyl, and have joked (half seriously though) that we should take a mother-daughter trip to Ukraine. So maybe at some point she can be spoiled rotten in Ukraine. I might be somewhat more leery of a makeshift counter top kitchen near Chernobyl though.

A few thoughts on quality of life

2010-05-26T22:25:00.001+02:00

One thing that is really interesting about living abroad for a period of life, is simply observing different perspectives of life. A few Swedish friends have been to the US, and their immediate response is "It is so CHEAP over there." Naturally, since that is our standard, we think the opposite about life over here. It's the same for many things. The norm in the US is marriage. In many states it is extremely frowned upon to live together. So even though marriage isn't a perfect institution, it is a more normal one for us. Since Swedes often do not marry and are in fact the least married country in the world, the flaws of a 50% divorce rate in the states don't seem very logical to them and that norm for us seems strange to them. While we get two or maybe three weeks of vacation and many Americans do not even use their vacation time, the recommendation from the Swedish government is to take 4-6 weeks consecutive vacation for mental health, they then deduce this might have something to do with why Americans seem so stressed, and, we of course can't fathom shutting down a business for an entire month of the year. You get the idea. It's all a matter of perspective, a matter of what one is accustomed to.

One of my best and maybe worst traits is I'm a deep thinker. My two strongest character traits are that I'm very observant and very analytical. I probably think too much about many things. A couple of things that dominate my brain are the realizations that my time with my children is temporary, and that my life, itself, is temporary. I think very much about the day my children leave home, and what I hope they took from their childhoods and their time with us a family. I also think very much about the day that I know I'm at the end of my life, and I know what I want to look back on and the things I wanted to experience in that tiny window of the cycle of the universe.

That's why my life in Europe is conducive to how I define quality of life. I think each person has different priorities, and each person has a different standard for a good quality of life. I have a lot of life goals, but I also realize there are no guarantees that I'll be a little old lady on my deathbed. Life is just so unknown. That's why we (as a couple) have more of a "enjoy life now" instead of a "someday" mentality. But, I need to clarify a bit about how I define a good quality of life. Time and memories are my priorities. That's why I blog, scrapbook and have about 10,000 pictures of our time here (no seriously, 10,000). Time and memories seem to be high priorities for most Swedes and Europeans as well. It works well here. We are not the Americans willing to pass up on vacation time. We are the Americans that have a more modest home and are budget conscious in many areas so we can afford to travel more.

I've always been a deep thinker. This isn't just some new found 30s, married 15 years with teenage daughters thing. Its been like that my whole life. So, I look back with a lot of admiration for the young mother, who was just a teenager, that chose to stay home with a little girl. That 18 year old girl was a deep thinker too. I have so much admiration for that young couple, teenagers, college students, newlyweds, parents, living on student loans. I think I handled that time of my life with grace and dignity that I don't know if I have now. But, we knew then that what we wanted was time and memories, and that time with this little girl (that soon became two little girls) was temporary. We did without A LOT for many years. But, now that my oldest daughter has almost reached her junior year in high school and my youngest is approaching 13 years old, I can say with such affirmation, every photograph, storybook, afternoon at the park, little note with phonetic spelling "I luv u mommy" was worth every single financial sacrifice we made.

There are several message boards here for immigrants to discuss their lives here, one of which is the English online Swedish newspaper, which allows for comments from readers. It seems it never fails that an analysis or criticism about Sweden inevitably turns into an attack on Americans. It doesn't even matter what the nationality was of the person that made the original comment or really the context of the comment. Americans are always greedy, superficial and thrive on more money and more power. Americans are an easy target. Probably the entire world sees flaws in "the American lifestyle" to one degree or another.

I've said this before, but American television makes the country an easy target. It doesn't even matter if these attackers have ever even been to the states; the entire world has an opinion of it and feel like they understand, because it is so accessible and also how it is portrayed. That said, the United States is not all Hollywood or New York City. The vast majority of people do not have $500 shoe obsessions like Carrie Bradshaw or plastic surgery by Dr. Rey. And an even vaster amount of women do not live the Svenska Hollywood Fruar life of Ferraris and regularly scheduled Botox. I mean, if I were thrown into LA, it would be a million times more of a culture shock than moving to Europe ever was.

That's not the America I know. I grew up in a small ranching community, where the current median household combined income is $33,000 and the median home value is less than $100,000. In Swedish terms, that is a household income of 237,600kr a year and a little house with a yard and garage and all the little down home, small town stereotypes, for less than 700,000kr. The average salary in Stockholm is just short of 30,000kr a month, or 360,000kr a year x 2. Granted, there are very few engineering or high tech jobs here, but instead primarily aging ranchers and farmers (since I mentioned that engineers make 30% less in Stockholm than in Colorado). In fact, the opposite extreme is true there, where a large percentage work for minimum wage. America is so large and so diverse that it includes a huge variety of lifestyles.

And, I'm not going to lie. I have absolutely no interest in returning to my home town, but this is an example of the humble lifestyles of the America I know. Where people live on significantly less money than the average Swede, shop at the local Walmart and eat 99cent burgers at the same drive-up hamburger place that's been there my whole life. Granted, this town is below the national average in both home values and incomes, but small towns and such lifestyles are every bit as valid to be considered "American" as Manhattan, New York.

To be a bit more related to my personal life, the average home price in the Longmont area is $241,000 (I believe this to be a bit high as it comes from 2008 statistics and the housing crisis has certainly affected this area) or $200,000 (again, probably high) in Firestone which is the community where we own a house. To convert to sek, that is between 1.4-1.7 million sek. A quick search on Blocket.se showed that for example a 3 room 35m2 (377 square feet) apartment in the suburbs of Stockholm costs 1.45 million ($201,000). Not to mention the 3500kr avgift (which for non-Swedes is basically a building fee), of an additional $486 monthly. Or, a one room studio apartment in Vasastan (central Stockholm) is 1.9 million ($263,000) with a 1,700kr ($236) avgift.

So, this might help explain why we all live in 3 bedroom homes with two car garages and big green backyards. It's because this costs us less money than a one bedroom apartment in Stockholm. Yeah, yeah, not necessary to point out the housing crisis in the US. We know, we know. Trust us. Too many people got too optimistic and trusted in banks and brokers that were only there to make a sly buck. We are one of the few (possibly the last, I don't know) original home owners on a street full of foreclosures. We were one of the minority that chose to stay pessimistic in the wake of these unfounded weekly "equity" increases and started and stayed with a house well within our means and a low fixed rate instead of a teaser adjustable rate. And we're probably stuck with this house for quite some time. And it's honestly quite irritating that everyone else's optimistic speculations affected our more realistic and down to earth speculations.

But, this is just all to say that the America I know is not greedy and quality of life does not equal money. The norm is houses, whether there was a market crash or not. That's just how we do it there. That does not mean we are any more driven by money by having a house for the same price as an apartment. Additionally, the vast majority of my peers make sacrifices similar to the ones I made, in order to stay home with their kids--many giving up close to 50% of their joint incomes to stay home. That's just more socially accepted there, with about 30% of women from all demographics choosing to stay home for a period of time with their kids. Since US mothers do not get a year of nearly full salary, this is a choice and a sacrifice. These women would agree with me that quality of life in the US is a lot more than about money. Because there are easy ways to change your lifestyle and live more frugally, it's possible to give up an income for a period of time. I would guess that the majority of Swedish women would agree, even if they wanted to, they can't. Two incomes are just necessary here for most people.

Additionally, clearly there is a percentage of Swedes, just as there is a percentage of Americans, who care about wealth and money. It isn't so cut and dried that the only country in the world that associates quality life with money is the US. The social norm here in Sweden includes family shared summer houses and boats. Those are luxuries in Colorado, and I don't personally know anybody there with either, but nearly everyone I know here has one or both. Just as fikas and six weeks of vacations are indicative of life in Sweden, so are summer stugas. There is nothing wrong with that whatsoever, it's clearly an important part of the culture; it's just not a part of Colorado's culture. And to paint an idealistic picture of picnic blankets, mother's pushing strollers, and picking kantarell mushrooms in the fall only tells a piece of the lifestyle's story here; watch a Swedish dating reality show or walk around Stureplan any time of the day or night. Then tell me there isn't a small, yet undeniable, piece of the cultural story that is also superficial, greedy and obsessed (to a degree significantly higher than any area in Colorado) with perfect looks. . . yes, and wealth, or at least the appearance of it.

Highs and Lows

2010-05-25T14:17:00.001+02:00

I think there's a possibility I've done this before, highlighting the "highs" and "lows" of my current life. I was in a leadership program for "untraditional women" in college a few years ago, and we met every two weeks, and this is how we opened. A circle of twelve or so ladies, just saying a couple of good things and bad things going on. It was intended as a bonding and growth "exercise" I'm quite sure, but it really became more than that.

It's absurd how quickly two weeks blow by. Events just roll into each other, until it's just a blur and difficult to recall really what went on. But, to stop and force yourself to categorize and highlight about a few events does two things: it makes you see life as not something to simply get lost in the day to day monotony, and, with time, the things that are initially "lows" sometimes make sense and come together as something even better than could have been expected, or in the very least, make the future "highs" that much sweeter.

I'd have to say that one of the greatest "highs" I've had in such an extremely long time was the weather last week. It was unreal. It was a little sneak serendipitous preview of summer, in mid-May. While normally I check the weather forecast and see the temperature is significantly below average, last week it was many degrees above. I sat outside either in the park or on our hammock on our balcony every day, in my bikini. One day, it was so hot I had to come inside to cool down for a while. Somebody told me I was not allowed to use the phrase "too hot," but to me, too hot is such a good thing. Too hot is a phrase I will be able to say maybe two other times in the next year.

But, I realize that last week was extraordinary because of the eight months of hideous overcast skies, months of snow and ice, and the disappointing late arrival of a rainy and chilly spring. If I had been doing a high/low paragraph or two over the last months, you would have been sick of reading my low of the weather here. As a matter of fact, I mentioned the weather here plenty without the bonding exercise of calling it an official "low." My high last week was more wonderful because of the contradictory lows I had experienced for such an extremely long time.

That's why I'm trying very hard to have an open and optimistic mind about my current low, because, at the moment, it feels pretty damn low. My low is that we found out the owner of our building has decided to sell the building, and we have to move by August 31.

I don't think it's any secret that we love this apartment. It was such a find and we realized all along how lucky we were to have it. It's just beautiful and convenient, and has an elevator that comes right inside, just like a Manhattan penthouse; not to mention after two years, it was finally feeling quite homey. We have furniture just where it looks perfect,a cute little cat running around, light fixtures, pictures, curtains hung. It's the perfect little entertainment spot, and has somehow acquired the nickname "the Havenstein pimp-pad." I knew one of the most difficult transitions we'd have back to the states was simply leaving this place. This apartment feels every bit as much of a home to us as our house did in Colorado. We've made incredible memories here. And I thought I'd have an entire other year of memories here. This apartment was one huge piece of a three part equation that finally led us to decide to stay one more final year.

My low not only includes leaving here, but just the overall thought of moving. This was supposed to be our last true Swedish summer. We planned a lot of picnics in the park, scooter rides and afternoons at the beach. Not packing boxes and waiting for emails that never seem to come about potential new places. Definitely not planning one last party, which somehow feels like a practice run of our real going away party.

When Bryan broke this to me, he began with "I have some bad news, and it is really going to stress you out." Naturally, my reflexive reaction was to start guessing. 1. The office in Colorado will shut down and you have no job there? Nope. 2. You have to go on a long business trip? No, not it. 3. THEY NEED YOU STAY LONGER??? No, followed by laughter (still--shew). 4. We have to move? Followed by silence, followed by tears. But, Bryan was right about the stress part, because just because I live in the "least stressed country in the world" doesn't mean I can ignore stressful situations. Me especially. Fourth apartment in a three year period. Not to mention our 6 week return to the US. Our final nine months here spent here in yet another place.

But, as I began, I very truly and genuinely believe that what initially seems very bad, can surprise us. So, I think one of two things will happen in all of this: This will go smoothly and we'll find a nice apartment and in the least, experience another area in Stockholm and find new favorite spots. Or,(sorry to be a bit cynical here, but most likely) it will be a ton of work with packing and unpacking, and we'll run into all types of issues like that Swedes aren't in any particular rush to return emails or do much of anything for that matter,or the fact that everyone takes the entire month of July off here, and if we don't find something before we leave for Spain June 15, we could be in big trouble and our relaxing Swedish summer will turn extraordinarily stressful. But, I guess all I can say about that is that this "low" will be like the winter, in the sense that taste of summer, in whatever form that takes in our futures, will be even brighter and more lovely.

It's extremely expensive here--part 1

2010-05-18T21:11:00.001+02:00

I've been thinking about doing a post on the shockingly outrageous prices of nearly everything here, and just felt overwhelmed on how to even cover it in one post. It's that bad. So I won't. Instead, I will break it into categories. Part 1: Services in Stockholm.

To be extra thorough, I did a currency graph calculator of the last 120 days on x.rates.com. This is because the Euro and Krona have fluctuated significantly in the last months, partially to do with the economic crisis that seems to be heading towards Europe now--obviously in Greece and now Spain. Anyway, I'm far from an economist; this currency graph just shows that in the last 3 months, the average sek exchange was 7.2 to 1 dollar. In December it was 6.8, today it is 7.8. Since we've lived here, it's gotten below 6 and almost to 9. But, since I'm not purchasing everything I'm talking about today or specifically in December, I'll use the average over the last 3 months of 7.2.

On Sunday, my husband and daughters went for haircuts. They went to a place on the lower end of the price spectrum here. For three haircuts, the total price was 850 sek. Or, $120. This is for a man's haircut, one child and one teenager, at a place most comparable to Great Clips in the states. The stylists are very young, mostly in their late teens, probably opting for hairstyling high school instead of a college bound, liberal arts route. And as Bryan said, for a $40 haircut, it's not necessarily that good either. The lowest price I've ever seen is 180 sek, which was at a sketchy looking barber shop, which is still $25.

I, on the other hand, pay 500sek, or $69.40. I'd like to preface this with the fact that in the US, I have a great stylist that I've gone to for years and she charges me $20 for a haircut and $40 for color. On top of that, her salon has "men's day" once a week, and a man's cut is $12.

However, although my 500 sek haircut is like an upscale salon price in Colorado, this is one expense that I feel is worth it, for me. Not only is she very good, but she is one of the only people in a customer/service industry I've developed a relationship with. In Sweden, that is worth the money right there! She recognizes my voice on the phone, compliments my progress in Swedish, asks about our dog in Colorado, and just simply makes my day every single time I go in there. Maybe I should mention she is Polish. The only other place we've developed a special camaraderie was the Greek restaurant in Hägersten. Or maybe the Ethiopian restaurant near Odenplan. I think this says something. But, worth it or not, it is still an expense I have to budget for carefully, meaning I can't afford to get a haircut every six weeks like I do in Colorado. I usually stretch it out to nearly 3 months. And, I should also mention after not seeing me around for nearly 3 months, she (Brigitta) asked one of our neighbors if we still lived here--and this neighbor said no, so, I guess that also says something about our extremely close relationships here.

So, hair cuts are pretty much a necessity, even if I have to strategize within our budget in order to get my special Polish hairstylist; but hair coloring is one of many things I have decided I can temporarily do without. Temporarily was fine when it was 6-9 months; after three years, well. . .I'm just beginning to miss things I considered general "female maintenance." I had my hair highlighted once, and it was 1200kr, or $167. (wow, I'd never really done the math on that one!) That is also on the lower end of the spectrum, running anywhere between 1200-2,000sek on average. Of course an upscale salon in Östermalm could be double that.

Again, I'm a pretty low key, down to earth, low maintenance girl, but I still enjoy a pedicure and manicure occasionally. That will never happen here, at 650 sek--$90. I don't care if you can look at it that you just do it a 1/3 less often to balance out the fact that those cost $30 (with tip) in Longmont. No way in a million years will I pay almost $100 for pretty nails and toes. So not only am I coloring my own hair (which even that is 85 sek per box, and to do my whole hair I need two boxes--$23 for boxed hair color), I'm pathetically sitting on my bathroom floor painting my own toe nails with less success than a five year old, with polish from the states, since I'm not paying 100sek ($14) for nail polish.

Other maintenance/service industry examples include:

An oil change for 785 sek, or $109. This, I have to add, was the cheapest price with a lot of research and email quotes. Granted, they use only synthetic oil over here, but an oil change including maintenance check (oil filter, vacuuming interior, cleaning windshield, inflating tires, filling transmission fluid, washer fluid, power steering fluid, and checking filters and lights) from Walmart, even with synthetic oil is $55 or regular oil change with all services, $30--the most expensive service they have is half what only an oil change here is. Do they clean your interior or fill up your fluids? Ummmm, no. . .Windshield wiper fluid here is 90kr ($12.50 for something that costs $2 in the states).

An extra key copy is 150 sek ($21). Ok, so the locks are more secure here, but seriously?! What does an extra key cost at Home Depot? Like $3?

Dry cleaning is 95 sek ($13) for one lady's shirt. Again, I don't even buy dry clean only clothes, and ration out carefully the ones I brought over from the states. This is just so outrageous I can't justify it. I spent $2 per item at our dry cleaner's in Longmont, $1.50 for pressed only. That would be a complete luxury to have professionally pressed clothing here.

We looked into the gym (which I should add is not a private gym, but a state gym) very close to our apartment, and the drop in rate is 150kr per person. So, Bryan and I going just once would cost $42. Just one visit to the gym and pool. A year pass to another state Recreational Center is 4400kr per adult ,($1222 for both of us) which the facility is fairly comparable to the Longmont Recreational Center, which is $540 for a couple or $600 for a family! Half the price for our entire family. (One concept they do not have here is joint discounts for couples or families--maybe slightly for a family, but in general, everything here is very individualistic). This doesn't even take into account that we have a lifetime membership to 24 Hour Fitness (which is on hold while we live abroad) that is $15 a month, forever! Ok, to look at this in the opposite way, that is 108kr a month for a gym membership, for both of us, total price!

So, this would leave conventional wisdom to say that Swedes must make a lot more money than Americans, in order to afford their lifestyles. They don't. The average engineer makes about 30% less here than the average engineer in the states. And then there is the 30-40%+ tax rate. In a recent study, Stockholm was named the most expensive city in the world to live in, based on salaries vs. cost of living. I have to say, after three years, it still makes absolutely no sense to me. Restaurants and bars are always full, everyone dresses extremely well, many people have boats, most extended families share summer houses. The quality of life is great here for most people. And it's a great quality of life for us too, but sometimes I just have to laugh that I used to think a drop in rate at our Rec Center of $4 was exorbitantly expensive!

Our Lagom getaway

2010-05-12T12:05:00.001+02:00

It's a good thing for weekends like these in the middle of what should be considered spring, otherwise I think I might just admit defeat and hitchhike as far south as possible. Not that this weekend was particularly tropical, but I do need occasional reminders that it was because of our wonderful friends (and our daughters of course) that we chose to stay; not for the climate.

On May 10 it could just as easily be November 10 or March 10. I had a thought hit me the other day that we have had ONE day this spring over 60 degrees. One, single, solitary day. Not even a whole day. An afternoon rather. One afternoon over 60 degrees. And, if that realization was not enough of a shock, it occurred to me that time isn't fairly judged in just a season. It hasn't been just spring. I mean, hell, it didn't even get above freezing for several months in a row. When was the last time before spring it was over 60 degrees? September? Maybe. Could it be, eight months? Really?

Yet, just as soon as the grey skies and nearly naked trees seem to suffocate me with melancholy homesickness, something fun and exciting happens to remind me this is just a "now" thing. This won't happen again. These little weekend getaways with friends, to not just a different place, but a different country. And not to just any different country, but my favorite country. I've long ago abandoned the hopes of any career advances while living abroad, and have so many personal goals and aspirations on hold--but, ultimately, we have one year, one month and two weeks left. I think it's OK for this just to be a "fun" thing for now, and let it be.

I've talked about the idea of "Lagom" about a million times in the last two years. It's really something I want and will take back with me to the states. It seems, even though we live in a beautiful city with very happy well adjusted children, I can't quite completely ignore the nagging, sometimes more frequent than others, voice craving more. To some degree, this is completely justified. I'm 33 and sometimes I feel I'm far too intelligent to not be something more interesting with my life than being an at home mom. Yet, I've really recognized that this idea of always wanting more and never being completely satisfied is such an American thing. Whether it be a promotion, higher education, newer car, bigger house...it's quite an American mindset to constantly strive for more.

I think with this, there's "lagom" within goals as well. There's somewhere a happy medium between contentment with mediocrity and never being completely satisfied either. I hope to go back to the states with a more peaceful relaxed sense of self, and to live more in the moment as opposed to longing for the next thing, to the next, to the next. I want to live a life that is satisfying to myself and my family, and not feel the constant pressure of competing with everyone else. To wanting more, bigger, better, newer. The concept of "just enough, just right" has made a permanent impression on me in more ways than one, and I want to remember that ideal for the rest of my life.

This weekend was perfectly lagom. Great company, a few drinks, some shopping, great food. Nothing in excess, nothing lacking. Thank you Gemi and Michael for a fun weekend and for inviting us to come along! You're great travel companions, and we hope to do this again within the next year, one month and two weeks :)

On the balcony of the Mexican Restaurant we ate at. yep, that's right, Mexican food!

Coronas, shortly followed by Margaritas! Gotta do the Mexican thing right, of course.

Dancing through the streets!

Orange was definitely the color. We went for the queen's birthday celebration. This is a two day party, and although we got there towards the end of the second day, it was fun nonetheless. I think any more than this would have not been lagom what so ever.

Back in the groove

2010-04-29T12:55:00.003+02:00

Hard to believe the whole volcano debacle was just a week ago. It's pretty crazy how quickly plain ol' vanligt life just nonchalantly resumes. Maybe our current family life lacks a bit of thrill and luster at the moment, but I'll take it. I feel very peaceful and satisfied with the day to day routines I have, and the very fundamental happiness of our family being all together. I know my feelings on this fluctuate probably relatively frequently, but I quite like the fact that we are living here just as normal people, and not with the pressure to take in the culture and do and see as much as possible daily. Like I said, fluctuates...summer is coming, which is both beautiful and very brief--not to mention it will mark the official one year countdown. So, I'm sure the pressure to "experience" Sweden will be back on in no time.

But, the American trip was actually a nice diversion. It's always so very exciting to open up a 50lb suitcase filled with the delights of Target. It's funny, since never in the states will we go shop and then spread all of our goods on the bedroom floor to simply bask in the wonderfulness of it all--or feel so stunned in the unbelievably cheap prices. (One day, I will have to do a price comparative blog. It's unreal.) Or feel so excited about a new furniture fur removing tool from Pledge--kudos to you Pledge. Yet, not only were the Reese's, hint of lime tortilla chips and Wheat Thins a great treat, but the very trip for Bryan was a fun time, being that the volcano provided a little bonus weekender in California. And, although I was a little stressed that six extra days could turn into six extra weeks, I actually enjoyed my new evening routines and a lot of exercise (albeit occasionally stress relieving) time. And, the biggest 'And' of all, there is nothing quite like a transcontinental reunion--even after only 12 days :)

Since it was such a strange, and I assume once in a lifetime (hopefully for everyone's sake) situation to be stranded in the states because of an ash cloud, it seemed fitting to welcome Bryan home with a special and meaningful surprise. Then, I had one of my most clever ideas to date (I was shamelessly very proud of this idea, as Meagan can attest to)--a chocolate lava cake. The girls made it and topped it with a little sign on Bryan's that said Eyjafjallajökull. While I exercised, I heard them turn the music up in the kitchen and have a little sister baking party. The little ramekins filled with gooey chocolate were incredibly rich and delicious. And Bryan was not only impressed with the cakes themselves, but of the very thought I had a baking inspiration. Yep, I'm not known for my kitchenly skills.

The girls and I had a very fun time during our nearly two week long "slumber party" as I called it--or a bachelorette pad, but they couldn't buy into that, as there were far too many flaws in their minds...one I am in fact married, two Meagan has a boyfriend. Also, Emily couldn't buy into some mother-daughter manicure time..."Don't you think that is just a little too cliché?" But, even without the nail polish, the nights we had as just girls living alone in the city were very memorable and special. They were both very sensitive to my concerns, and provided me with a lot of laughs and diversions. As did several of my closest friends, which furthers the statement about living here in a conventional, non-touristy feeling sense. I am very grateful to have loving friends and a loving family.

So, as life is back to its arguably boring and laundry filled days, it is also back to travel plans and looking forward to summer. We leave tomorrow for a weekend trip with friends to Eindhoven. We are going to Bratislava in May. And, I'm most excited for our trip to Spain in June. Time flies, it truly does. Throughout winter, this trip seemed like a lifetime away, yet it's now only six weeks away. I think it's safe to say winter is a memory and we're in the clear for a lovely spring and summer. Even as it is overcast and drizzles yet again today, in the very least, Eindhoven has a beautiful weekend forecast.

I might possibly retract any arguments I've had about the American stereotypes

2010-04-20T22:07:00.002+02:00

I'm just sitting here watching Slingbox on my laptop (as I've found myself developing quite the habit of doing nightly while I'm living the super-exciting single life) and am quite honestly shocked...yet shocked isn't strong enough a word...dumbfounded, stunned, speechless, at American television. I guess I should begin with a little background: slingbox is a device that, I guess, to use their clever marketing wordage, "slings" live cable from America via the internet to our computer. Right now, not only am I hoping to stay up to date on any new occurrences with the disrupted transcontinental flights, I'm just trying to kill a few days until normal life resumes.

First of all, we hoped this could be a total alternative to mediocre Swedish television. It hasn't been any where as convenient for a means of standard tv as we had hoped, but has served perfectly fine on my laptop. But on top of not replacing Swedish TV,interestingly, out of something like 200 channels, it turns out there really isn't anything better to watch in America as there is here in Sweden. At least in Sweden's defense, they seem to have done a decent job of sifting through the massive amounts of rubbish and broadcast 'the best' that America has to offer...even if it is a couple of months behind, or more.

However, I was just stunned (yeah, shocked, dumbfounded...), tonight as I watched. To begin with, there was a news story about a group of people protesting at the White House for gun owner rights. Ok, personal views aside, we do have the right to bear arms and the rights of free speech--but I couldn't believe the hillbillies they pulled out of the trailers and the backwoods to actually be represented on CNN. And I couldn't believe these guys were seriously pulling out the cliché "guns don't kill people, people kill people." Come on. There's got to be something more compelling and persuasive to say in your five seconds of fame on CNN. Then, continuing to scan my unpromising entertainment options, I check in on a show called Sober House with Dr. Drew. I do feel that there is a lot of value in showing the real life drama and struggles involved in addictions, especially in recognizable faces. I guess what got me were a few statistics. There are 13,000 treatments in the US, 500 in Southern California alone. To quote, "These days, the rehab business is booming. Everyone talks about them like they are resorts." These resort/treatment centers cost upwards of $30,00-65000 for 60 days. And here I sit watching adult entertainers, reality TV stars and musicians discuss the intimate details of their downfalls. And the very strange and graphic depictions of the history that preceded said downfalls.

But, the absolute topping discussion, one of which I'm still shaking my head at a day later, one in which I honestly can't believe is being discussed was (drum roll): should paddling kids in schools be allowed? Seriously! I mean honestly, in 2010, this is an active topic of debate? I know I've been gone from the states for almost three years, but this was unbelievable. And, furthermore, there were callers (this was a call in discussion show on FOX), honest viewers that felt adamantly YES! How else do you control these unruly kids these days? The host questioned the caller further and said "Do you feel there is a difference between spanking a seven year old in class versus a fifteen year old?" And she responded "Not at all. How else is a teacher supposed to stay in control?"

I guess I'd like to say this: I recall many holidays, ones of which I affectionately referred to as "geriatric Thanksgivings" (or whatever holiday) because there are just a large number of older family numbers, far outnumbering the younger ones. Each of these holidays, almost certainly, turns into a heated discussion of "What's wrong with the world these days? What's wrong with kids these days?" All I can say to this is, this is not the world I live in now. That's not the world I've either been a part of or been fortunate enough to visit. And now, more than ever, I am so appreciative of the opportunity to be part of a world where I don't question the obvious rapid decline.

From the Baltic Sea to the Pacific Ocean-- and a freaking Volcano in between

2010-04-18T11:21:00.001+02:00

Of all the experiences we've had abroad, wonderful, terrible, fascinating, heartbreaking... this is by far the strangest. Bryan left for California just over a week ago, and what was supposed to be a quick and efficient trip has turned into him being one of the hundreds of thousands involved in an unprecedented interruption of air travel. Original plan was to return on Friday night, and now it's a cautiously optimistic Wednesday. Maybe it's not cautious optimism at all, but a forced optimism, because the pessimistic news might make me believe this could go on for weeks...or months. If the other volcano follows as history predicts, he might be traveling back Titanic style.

It's rather unfortunate that the timing of this coincides with a period of my life where I'm not particularly in love with living abroad. I've personally hit a stage when the quiet and reserved nature here isn't so much calming and relaxing, but more stifling and full of solitude. Where the walking everywhere isn't so much a great excuse for exercise, but very inconvenient. Where I'm not encouraged by my progress in Swedish, but very aware of the strange regressed phrases I now say in English. It's also fascinating that Bryan is in the middle of the other culture, where now we can often feel a bit disoriented and overwhelmed by the overall openness; but I'm simultaneously in a place where eye contact seems to be a violation of personal space.

All I know is that time apart (maybe especially forced, I don't know), makes one really appreciate what they have and what they want. We've been together since teenagers, and I suppose after a while you take it for granted that that person will just always be there. Maybe it takes something so utterly ridiculous as a volcano erupting and ash spewing into the upper levels of the atmosphere to put everything in perspective. First of all, as inconvenient and disappointing as this is, it isn't that bad. We're both comfortable and there isn't anything terribly pressing at this second, even though of course we both hope there is a solution sooner than later. Secondly, most importantly, I have a refreshed feeling of love and appreciation for someone I've basically grown together with for over fifteen years, and I want to get back to a place where this abroad adventure is a family affair, and not a feeling of only treading water until the coast is in view again. And I feel a refreshed confirmation in the concept of "we," as a singular existence is simply not as much fun; and besides, we make a damn good pair.